Location: Montreal

Monday, June 26, 2006

the heat is on

i am an adaptable person.
i am also no stranger to shitty plumbing.
usually, when spectre shitty plumbing rears it's shitty head, i just buck up, adapt, and the world keeps on spinning.
but lately, adaptation has become nearly impossible.
for the first several months of my lease in this building i'd have to let the shower run for a good four or five minutes before the water got even moderately warm (or Skywalker Warm, as i like to call it; don't judge me).
this was a minor shitty plumbing setback and i adapted easily.
but during the past few weeks things have changed.
the water paradigm has shifted completely, and now runs scalding hot almost instantly.
i was not ready for this.
i jumped in without testing the morning waters and i got burned.
jesus ass-fucking christ i got burned.
i'm glad my balls aren't located in the center of my chest, because then i'd be minus two balls and plus one gaping lava wound where my balls used to be.
i actually screamed "YIP!!" at full volume as i recoiled out of the firestorm of boiling death water.
now i'm a reasonable man with passable personal hygiene, but a shower is about more than just soaping up up ones nether regions.
showertime is supposed to be a peaceful, sacred time.
a time for deep thought, for off key Van Halen lyrics.
for a few minutes each day the shower should be a man's personal and private Champagne Room; a mini Eden for one.
not a Chamber of Skin Peeling Lasers.
sure... i could just buck up and adapt to this too, but the water paradigm is changing every few days now.
Tuesday: all scaldy.
Thursday: colder than a dead nun's vag.
this tri-weekly switchover is completley random comes without warning.
and once it's spraying, altering the temp is barely an option; hot stays hot, cold stays cold, no matter which way you crank the temperature controlling knobby thing.
i have to monitor this very closely now.
which is difficult on those gauzy, hungover mornings.
shitty plumbing, you are a wily foe indeed.


Blogger Marilyn said...

Okay, so you don't know me at all - I just came across this place awhile back by using the "Next Blog" function on Blogger - but my good god.

I want you to know that after 'nicotine and gravy' this makes for the second entry of yours that I've read aloud to my highly entertained roommates. We're convinced the best of your blog entries need to be turned into a monologue-based stage show.

(Hope you don't mind the random strangers dropping in.)

5:07 PM  
Blogger nic said...

your description of thursdays water temperature made me want to gag.

5:26 PM  
Blogger mike said...

Marilyn: thanks for stopping by and leaving the kind words; i always like to encourage the randomness of strangers.

Nic: thanks for wanting to gag.

5:53 PM  
Anonymous K Dixon Esq. said...

I just spent 4 days in the field with my unit, and ill trade you cock zorching hot for forest service watter bladder cold any day of the week.

5:53 AM  

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