Location: Montreal

Saturday, January 29, 2005

hello, Jesus

today i asked myself a question that i'm sure many of you have asked yourselves at one time or another. "if Jesus appeared in my kitchen, right now, in the flesh, what would i do?" well, the first thing i'd do (after introducing myself, of course) would be to ask Him to help me do my dishes, as at the moment they are stacked rather high. and i'm pretty sure he'd say yes; he'd have to, he's Jesus. after that i'd offer Him a seat and ask a few questions. did it hurt? how's your old man? how long are you back for? is Jesus a Beatles man or a Stones man? how good is he at MarioKart? and then, after defeating Him in several races, i'd break out the big guns. look, Jesus! my bathtub is full of water! change. it. to. wine. and, of course, he'd comply and it would be delicious. i would then ask Him if he had the ability to change 'already-wine' into some kind of 'super-god-wine'. and he probably could. and i'd probably go and do something greedy like tie him up in my bathroom, shackle Him right to the toilet, and force him to change gallons and gallons of tap water into delicious, intoxicating god-wine that i could drink and store and share and sell, becoming very popular and wealthy. and i would enjoy living like this until i was a very old man. or until Jesus got sick of making wine and killed me with the Plague or something. he'd probably make it look like an accident.


Blogger Jon said...

Jesus would totally own your ass at Mario Kart..

8:38 PM  
Blogger Swanktrendz said...

What do you think of Michael Moore's "documentaries:?

11:22 PM  
Blogger Swanktrendz said...

Jesus would want to kick your ass, but being a non violent being, I wonder if he would imagine kicking your ass? No last supper for you!

11:24 PM  
Blogger iaingillis said...

I would tell Jesus to shave, cut his hair, get a nice suit and get a fucking job, you lazy fucking hippy bum! Just because he's the so-called "Son Of God" doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to work to earn a living, like I do. My dad is a big wheel down at the cracker factory, and you don't see me slacking my way through life. I struggled through two years of correspondence courses in hotel management, and now I'm the night shift manager of a moderately successful motor inn off of the I-95, near Decauter, Illinois. Hard work and effort really does pay off, ya lazy bum.

5:19 AM  
Blogger Graeme said...

Imagine returning home from work to find Jesus and Rasputin tag-teaming your woman. Sweet.

Jesus is fucking metal.

Nobody beats me at Kart.

I itch.

10:32 AM  

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