Location: Montreal

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

poutine pizza

i've thought about it.
i've laughed about it.
i've spoken with worldly folk who say they've seen it themselves.
and now i've seen it.
and i've peer'd deep within it's greasy brown heart.
and now i know it's real.
when the shit finally goes down, after the floods and quakes and boiling seas and Bush administrations, there will only be three things left standing.
cockroaches, OT VII Scientologists, and poutine pizza.
i'm all about wacky food combonations. i've eaten Twinkie dogs, Highliner fishsticks mashed into burritos, and almost a waffle cone full of Beefaroni.
silly? yes. disgusting? you'd be suprised.
but this is a step in the wrong direction.
it crosses that fine line between "slightly monstrous" and "absolutely satanic".
because once you make poutine pizza, once you slather those curds and fries and sauce brun onto that hearty crust (that is possibly stuffed with more cheese and maybe some bacon) there's no turning back.
you cannot kill poutine pizza.
you can only eat it.
and even then it does not die.
(though you may. like way later though.)
you could sink all the poutine pizza in the world to the bottom of the sea and go on with your happy and ignorant and stupid little life, but in your heart you'd know that a billion years from now when the Sun goes supernova and dries up the oceans, poutine pizza will be there.
and probably pulsating.
i heard once that some French scientist tried to freeze a slice of poutine pizza in Carbonite but the slice only absorbed the Carbonite and laughed.
i heard a grizzly bear can eat one poutine pizza and hibernate for five years but can never run or make babies ever again.
i heard some rebel hurled a slice at a British Mark II tank and the slice eroded through the tank wall and gravy'd up the controls and two soldiers died from curd poisoning.
i heard an armed thief tried to shoot a guy carrying a poutine pizza and the guy was so scared that he dropped the pizza.
if common sense and healthy living are diseases, then poutine pizza is the cure.
sure, i've eaten many a sloppy dish of poutine.
and all they're really doing is taking that poutine and spreading it onto a breaden, doughy crust.
but it's not about what poutine pizza is.
it's about what poutine stands for.
and the effect it will have on our children.
and our intestines and our future.
next time i'm only going to order a small.


Anonymous Daryl said...

Great review. Get it published. You should become a food critic.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



Making Sweet Food Based Love?

Im going to Montreal one day...

one day.


12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

almost a waffle cone?
almost full of beefaroni?
or almost ate it?

8:54 AM  
Anonymous christine said...

Hey Mike - I sent you an important email to your hotmail account - get back to me or email christine at swanktrendz dot com Thanks

6:15 AM  
Anonymous Mari said...

Somebody here in Montrealhas totally tapped into your blog.

3:37 PM  

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