Smoothies we hardly knew ye

there's nothing like your hometown bar. and there's no hometown bar in the world quite like Smooth Hermans. it is a legend of the East Coast. a mecca of debauchery. a grimy beacon of 30 year-old booty, video gambling and some of the most heroic barfights in the land. but it's more than that to me. there's a love in the air. some might say it's a magical, sacred place. others might say Jesus was born there. either way, it'll always draw you back. the staff may say, "Banned for Life," but i know they never really mean it.
here is a selection of some of my finer nights there:
• the night i got kicked out for standing on a table and lighting a small fire on the ceiling.
• the night Mark drank too much home made wine and verbally assaulted every single person who walked past him for the duration of the evening.
• that Halloween when Phil dressed up as a toilet paper Mummy and Zack lit him on fire and Phil didn't even know and a bouncer had to tackle him to put out the flames.
• two words: Hamster Style.
• the night i fed that girl shots of 151 until she puked on herself and fell asleep.
• the night i thought i met Burton Cummings but actually met a guy who just looked like Burton Cummings.
• the night we all got kicked out for passing a joint around and Matt told off that chick and Penny told off that cop.
• the night they tried to kick me out like five times but i kept eluding capture because i'm wily and dynamic.
• the night i made out with some chick and promised to hook up with her the following day but woke up with absolutley no memory and had to bring Johnny along to identify her.
• the night we hung out in the washroom breaking glass in the sink for like almost an hour.
• the night that bouncer had to pull me off the stage for pretending to have a seizure while the band was playing.
• the night that bouncer admitted to Zack he couldn't read.