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Location: Montreal

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

baby fingers

lots of times when i'm temporarily stranded in a crowded place, like waiting in line somewhere for something, i pass the time by making retarded faces at babies and small children when their parents aren't looking. usually the child will giggle or make a face back.
(unless of course it's a retarded child, in which case i wouldn't have made a face at them in the first place, as i've been told that's cruel.)

anyway, the point is this amuses me greatly.

especially if it's a toddler that squeals loudly or misbehaves in some way when they see me and their parent cautions them to Be Quiet, at which point the child will become frustrated and insist that that man over there is making faces, to which the parent will then hiss Stop It! or threaten to reneg on the promise of McDonald's. i love this.
and besides, even if it happens to be one of those parents who actually believes what their young child says, by the time they look my way i'm either casually yawning or sullenly looking at my watch.
A) it's bulletproof
B) dance puppets dance

which brings me to the other day, when i'm waiting in line at my insanely packed grocery store, slowly slipping into a coma of boredom. time to rile up some kiddies.
there were no toddlers present to get into trouble, but there was a non-retarded baby in a plastic stroller a few feet to my left.
and then, before i could even gnarl my mouth or squintify my eyes, this baby gave me the finger. he didn't flash me the finger briefly. he held that puny middle finger of his aloft and proceeded to poke himself in the face with it.
taunting me.
the bastard. (probably)
so naturally, i gave him the finger.
a baby.
and i'm sorry, it felt good.
try it sometime, i guarantee you can't do it with out laughing out loud. and i promise, the baby will not get upset.
but be stealthy.
i wouldn't want to deal with the wrath of an angry mom who just caught me flipping off her eighteen month old.

Are you giving my baby the finger?!?

Yeah. But he gave it to me first.

You monster! He doesn't know what that means!!

Exactly. So what's the difference?

12 Comments:

Anonymous Sir Thomas said...

I remember once Brian and I were pretty hung over one morning, sometime in my 3rd year of university. We decided to hit dairy queen for some grease. We noticed dissent in the air, especially amongst the workers when we arrived and quickly found out why. There was a woman sitting close to us reading the news paper while her young child, I'd guess age 2 or 3, was running around and screaming at the top of his lungs...Imagine trying to deal with this extremely in our state. So this kid continued to run around freaking out, you could hear ppl talking about the child and his whore of a mother, and she just sat there and ignored everyone, including her indian mimicking child. Now in these restaurants it is common to have a "play pen" of sorts. This one in particular had one which was all fenced in and a large sign which read "Do not let children climb the fence". So naturally this kid wandered over to the playpen and yes, started climbing the outside fence. The mother was unaware of this. Brian and I looked at the sign, looked at each other, then looked at the kid...I noticed every single person except the mother was watching this kid intensely, almost willing it to happen...then it did...the kid plummeted about 5 feet off the fence and landed head first on the tile floor. He instantly began screaming louder than any kid I have ever heard...strangely it was rather soothing than annoying...a sigh of relief arouse over the entire store. The mother immediately grabbed her child off the floor and stormed out of dairy queen. Brian smirked at me, "Karmic Justice".

10:14 AM  
Blogger nic said...

you're funny.
i'm tired of being strangers.
let's be friends.

1:35 PM  
Blogger mike said...

deal!
wanna play Pit?

10:17 AM  
Blogger nic said...

yes.
do you still have my number?
no need to hesitate.

2:47 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

Hey buddy.

Swankz is spraying your blogposts all over Internet messageboards in an attempt to garner themselves some readership.

Thought ya might wanna know.

9:24 AM  
Blogger Swanktrendz said...

Hey Jon - the whole point of posting Mike's entries everywhere is because he's a goooooood writer. I don't care if you hate swank, but I'm sure glad you see his name 'out there'.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

Yeah, Mike is a good writer. Which is why I thought he might take a bit of exception to you tossing his stuff up where it's not wanted in a fit of shameless self-promotion.

I know I'd want to kick down your door and plant myself up to the ankle in your babymaker.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Swanktrendz said...

By the way, Mike - It was on RRC - sorry that doesn't constitute 'everywhere', but hey I thought maybe someone would get a chuckle.

(Good heads-up friend you have in Jon, However, I think Jon might have some serious, repressed and unresolved mother 'issues' , so tread lightly in case the functioning schizo goes medless... just go along and agree when he rants)

As for your readership on 'Swank' - they LOVE you! - and I make sure all your swank 'musings' get links to sneakinout.

Mark my words - Book release this time name year - aliens have spoken .. . ahem no pressure but they're threatening with (interesting sounding) orifice searches.

A book would be great ! And I can chat up an agent if you don't have one. A compilation of your sneakinout blogger, tongue-in cheek, society's underbelly observations, and random free-association ramblings would be a good start.

I figure September 27/06 is a great release date and when you hold your party, I get to be the 'shameless' (Jon got that right) inebriated gal in the back corner of the release party. Just follow the curdled odour.

Chris in her inebriated state ,Mike ... Is there vomit in my hair?

Cheers Christine

PS -love your writing! (Oops = how redundant - you already know... mheh)

12:05 AM  
Blogger Swanktrendz said...

By the way, Mike - It was on RRC - sorry that doesn't
constitute 'everywhere', but hey I thought maybe
someone would get a chuckle.

(Good heads-up friend you have in Jon, However, I
think Jon might have some serious, repressed and
unresolved mother 'issues' , so tread lightly in case
this functioning schizo goes medless... y'know just go
along and agree when he rants)

As for your readership on 'Swank' - they LOVE you! -
and I make sure all your swank 'musings' get links to
sneakinout.

Mark my words - Book release this time name
year - aliens have spoken .. . ahem no pressure but
they're threatening with (interesting sounding)
orifice searches.

Your book will be great ! And I can chat up an agent
if you don't have one. A compilation of your
sneakinout blogger, tongue-in cheek, society's
underbelly observations, and odd free-association
ramblings would be a good start.

I figure September 27/06 is a great release date and
when you hold your party, I get to be the 'shameless'
(Jon got that right) inebriated gal in the back corner
of the release party. Just follow the curdled odour.

Chris in her inebriated state ,Mike ... Is there
vomit in my hair?


Cheers Christine

PS -love your writing! (Oops = how redundant - you
already know... mheh)

12:14 AM  
Blogger Jon said...

Laffo, to coin a phrase.

"Yeah, I did it. OMGBOOKDEAL!!! Puke on me!!"

You've got one crazy friend Mike. If you can get her to stop fagging up the rest of God's Good Internet, I don't care what she does with your stuff. I'll read what ya put on here and that will be 'nuff for me.

5:34 AM  
Blogger nic said...

drama drama.

2:21 PM  
Blogger mike said...

you kids play nice or i'll douse you with my Fluids of Justice. (pee)

9:15 PM  

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