the questionable accuracy of syndicated new-age strangers
everyday at work i read my horoscope.
actually, i read four horoscopes from four different newspapers, (some local, some national, all with severly conflicting views of what my day will entail.)
i'm not the type who takes these things literally.
most times that's impossible anyway because they advise me to 'spend more time with my kids' or 'today is a good day to buy some land' or something equally ridiculous.
not today.
today my horoscope said, 'you are like a hot knife cutting through butter.'
i have no idea what this means.
but still. awesome.
horoscopes should always be like this.
not linear advice, but a random comparison that can be interpreted a million different ways by a million different people.
not 'today is a bad day for business negotiations.'
something like 'you are like a pirated mp3 on a stolen iPod.'
or 'you are like a guy in a casino who's winning a lot.'
or 'you are like a thundering herd of grizzly bears with opposeable thumbs and large sacks of hand grenades.'
or 'you are like a hidden camera in a gas station bathroom and the only people who go to this gas station are sexy models. except for the owners, who aren't models but are still fairly attractive in their own way.'
or 'you are like an adorable puppy with a terrible, hideous secret.'
or 'you are like a free side of gravy with whatever it is you may be eating.'
stuff like that.
c'mon.
actually, i read four horoscopes from four different newspapers, (some local, some national, all with severly conflicting views of what my day will entail.)
i'm not the type who takes these things literally.
most times that's impossible anyway because they advise me to 'spend more time with my kids' or 'today is a good day to buy some land' or something equally ridiculous.
not today.
today my horoscope said, 'you are like a hot knife cutting through butter.'
i have no idea what this means.
but still. awesome.
horoscopes should always be like this.
not linear advice, but a random comparison that can be interpreted a million different ways by a million different people.
not 'today is a bad day for business negotiations.'
something like 'you are like a pirated mp3 on a stolen iPod.'
or 'you are like a guy in a casino who's winning a lot.'
or 'you are like a thundering herd of grizzly bears with opposeable thumbs and large sacks of hand grenades.'
or 'you are like a hidden camera in a gas station bathroom and the only people who go to this gas station are sexy models. except for the owners, who aren't models but are still fairly attractive in their own way.'
or 'you are like an adorable puppy with a terrible, hideous secret.'
or 'you are like a free side of gravy with whatever it is you may be eating.'
stuff like that.
c'mon.
posted by mike | 2:38 PM
6 Comments:
it's like i said. the free side of gravy should never come with the jumbo breakfast. it's just wrong.
(side note: i saw maria the other day. she looked like j-lo's ugly, cracked-out sister.)
oooooh. i like the little test. i just got the word 'shlegk'. sounds like some sort of body fluid.
it is a bodily fluid.
i've got litres.
my condolences.
i don't know where else to find you but here on this massive internet. keep in touch...
much thanks.
mike, you should come out and see my show at the khyber tonight. eets free.
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