"Pimp My Cherished Tale of Whimsy"

i believe we are living in a progressive culture.
new generations are growing more and more accepting of different lifestyles and foreign ideals, which is really fantastic.
jump in the melting pot, baby!
sure there's still some grey areas.
some touchy subjects.
some fanatics. some unbelievers.
but we can fix that.
hell, I can fix that.
and i'll do it by creating something that's instantly appealing to every single person on our great green Earth.
i'll start by using the "something old/something new" formula.
i'm going to take Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol' and i'm going to inject it with a heavy dose of Here and Now.
first, it'll come out in mid-August.
no seasonal discrimination here.
second, i'm going to ethnic-up all the main characters. that way everyone will have someone to relate to, no matter who they are.
the lead character will be Lebaneser Scrooge.
Bob Cratchit will be a blind Inuit whale hunter, whose son will be Tiny Tim, a recovering alcoholic midget with severe vertigo, who is also a Mexican substitute teacher.
Jacob Marley will be Rastafarian. (Marley. get it?)
our story will be set in Scotland and ancient Egypt.
ancient Egypt with a Harlem-in-the-80's edge.
and we can't use Christmas because that's to inclusive, so it'll have to be Pancake Tuesday.
the ghosts of Pancake Tuesday past, present and future will be portrayed by a sleazy, coke-addled record exec, a Marxist hooker with a heart of gold and that Asian kid with all the gadgets from Goonies respectively.
the rest of the cast will be filled out with animatronic Hobbits weilding Light Sabres, some paraplegic Mafia guys with hearts of gold, and Christopher Lloyd, who will be playing a bisexual Native American ninja-dentist from New Zealand.
see, that's everyone.
we're all the same.
heal the world.
and the soundtrack will follow the same asthetic.
it will be recorded by Trans-Phat, a Polish duo of post-op transgender wunderkinds who are divorced and might also be brother and sister but are definently old school/garage rock/neo-folk/electroclash/battle rappers.
they do ultra modern re-imaginings of old holiday standards so they can be enjoyed by everyone.
'Silver Bells' is now called 'Welcome to the Slut Machine'.
and the message of our tale?
the underlying theme we're trying to express to the world?
CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
who cares.
let's put our centuries of rubbish behind us.
let's fire our stupid little petty differences into the Sun.
let's just, you know, hang out.
maybe go down to the park.
rough up some illiterates.