Location: Montreal

Thursday, February 09, 2006

is this wuv?

it's that time of year again.
that week before Valentine's Day when wuv is in the air.
little cardboard hearts and cupids pasted everywhere.
couples in wuv, holding hands, singing silly wuv songs.
the lonely single people, at home, naked, in the middle of the day, crying ingnorant tear after ignorant tear into their yellow, sweat stained, pillow-like excuse for a wuver.
yes, it's an enchanting time for all.
just the other day i sang the words "i believe in a thing called wuv".
but do i?
do i really believe in true wuv?
that depends on how you define wuv.
the Good Book says that Christians should wuv everyone.
this is a lie.
i once was chatting with a wuvley young lady in a local tavern, and after spotting a cross hanging around her silky, body-wash scented neck, asked her if she wuved me.
she did not.
moving on.
what other kinds of wuv are there?
there's the natural wuv between friends and family members.
it's a wuv that's always there. the people you wuv because you know you can trust them with anything, and because they're so wuvable.
but what about serious wuv?
that "man/woman let's get married" wuv?
[or man/man or woman/woman or man/woman/woman/woman, depending on your region.]
people talk of unconditional wuv.
"I'll wuv her matter what!"
bullshit, my friend. bullshit.
because wuv is a battlefield.
what happens when she starts smoking crack and smokes too much crack and thinks it's a good idea to nail your scrotum to that big oak dresser you bought her so she can go sell your golf clubs and your iPod and your HDtv for more crack because now she wuvs smoking crack more than she wuvs you?
will you still wuv her then?
probably not.
after that you'll probably never wuv again.
and i wouldn't blame you.
but i'm slightly more optimistic than our neutered friend here.
i may not believe in unconditional wuv, but i do believe that there's someone out there for everyone to find wuv with.
(i also believe there's someone out there for ANYone to find "wuv" with, and she's probably a prostitute of some kind.)
so, this coming Valentine's Day, show the one you wuv just how much you wuv them.
and you single folk, go out, get drunk, and make wuv with whomever will allow you to make wuv to them.
be crazy. be crazy in wuv.
thank you, i wuv you all.
i would do anything for wuv.
anything to be wuved.
wuv in an elevator.
tainted wuv.

note: i purposely tried my hardest not to use the L word at any point during the typing of this post.
but i can't resist any longer.
i said it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calrissian or ?

Also, wuv makes me retch... I am neutered... damn rock takin ova my gals life...

and thats why i own a real doll...

your distraught cuzin

12:54 AM  
Blogger lora said...

dude. every time i see the word 'wuv' i think of that part in the princess bride with the bishop, you know? "mawwiage is what bwings us togethah today. wuv... true wuv.." etc etc etc.

why do i get the feeling you have no idea what i'm talking about? oh well. say. if you wuved me you'd come over here and shoot me. seriously. i hate being sick.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Graeme said...

I'm almost certain he was referring to Lando Griffin.

2:38 PM  
Blogger mike said...

Wando Gwiffen

2:18 PM  
Blogger nic said...

i wholeheartedly agree with the first paragraph of lora's comment. So tweasure your wuv.

8:21 PM  
Blogger lora said...

thank you, nic.

see guys? i'm not a total nutjob.

"say man and wife! man and wife!"

8:05 AM  
Blogger nic said...

Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?

5:32 PM  
Blogger lora said...

"my name is inego montoyez. you killed my father. prepare to die."

5:43 AM  

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