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Location: Montreal

Friday, December 16, 2005

mange hands

last night i came into possession of the most haggard, disgusting, just-pulled-outta-the-trash looking pair of mittens in the Western hemisphere.
i pinched them from the lost and found drawer at my work, because i had accidentally left my regular mittens at home.
initially, i was pretty hesitant about even touching them, fearing i might catch mange or scabies or a nasty case of shingles, but i couldn't resist.
functionally, they follow the same template as a regulation mitten, but aesthetically speaking they're monstrous.
there must be forty different kinds of yarn in these puppies, and not one of these colors would be pleasing even on it's own.
they're the result of a bad orgasm at the haunted knitting factory.
and it looks like there's a few stray bits of upholstery sewn in for good measure (ie, some hideous curse).
the funny thing is, even though they look irreversibly soiled they're actually quite clean. they smell much better than my old mittens, which were store bought.
(yes, i smelled them before i tried them on. but i'm still not comfortable touching my face with them.)
i wish i could give you a better idea of what they look like.
picture this.
picture a disease riddled, bastard Muppet pulling an ancient sofa out of some festering bog and having sex with it. their offspring would be these mittens.
no, they wouldn't even be the offspring.
they'd be like the afterbirth.
also, they're pretty warm.

5 Comments:

Blogger nic said...

"picture a disease riddled, bastard Muppet pulling an ancient sofa out of some festering bog and having sex with it. their offspring would be these mittens."

this made me cry with giggles.
thanks mike.

4:56 PM  
Anonymous sarah mack said...

damn. i read this and put down my knitting.... because I think the scarf I was working on was the sould mate of these mittens you have described... oh well, I guess I'll try scrapbooking and see how that goes.

11:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait, I meant to say soul mate... i know it's no excuse for poor editing but I'm having trouble seeing straight... wait, that was the wine... nevermind

11:56 PM  
Blogger mike said...

i just call 'em like i see 'em girls.

and i'd like to see this scarf.
combined with the mitts, that would be..pretty sketchy probably.
and i'm all about sketchy.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Sir Thomas said...

thats a nice shirt in that photo mike... hey I was thinking, if u "still have that shirt", I would like to borrow it. you still have it dont you? haha

3:45 PM  

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