my lip hair is a wonderland

and out of nowhere, with absolutely no training, professional or tertiary, i have become a Grand Sorcerer of moustache maintenece.
i even have special little moustache preening scissors.
but even if i didn't have them, the innate ability to sculpt, to conjure subtle beauty from the hair growing out of my upper lip, would still be there.
i can see beyond layers, right into the heart of the root-matrix.
my thoughts are often heavy with concerns like curvature, length, hesh factor and soup damage.
there's nothing i enjoy more than a post-midday comb'n'snip.
if moustache sculpting was an actual profession, i would be one of it's most highly paid and well recognised ambassadors.
the only problem is i find the act of touching any moustache that is not my own repulsive and insulting.
so, if anyone knows of a place or company or co-operative agency that will pay me big bucks to constantly re-imagine my facial hair multiple times a day, send the word.
"but Mike, your moustache, handsome as it is, always looks the same to me. am i missing something?"
yes you are. but it's ok. it's not your fault.