Location: Montreal

Thursday, July 20, 2006

good medicine

i have discovered a cure for the hiccups.
that's right. a cure.
a 100% guaranteed fresh everytime cure.
i discovered it accidentally while whipping up a batch of my semi-famous Pork-n-Pepper Hot Sauce Stir Fry (with Hummus!).
cooking for myself has been tricky lately because i'm only able to use one hand, which is why the bottle slipped and dumped and unholy amount of hot sauce into the wok. i knew this would make my meal painfully spicy but hey, eats is eats.
i don't know why, but when i ingest something that is profoundly spicy (like Thai food) i get violent hiccups almost instantly.
and i hate the fucking hiccups.
especially when i'm trying to eat.
or drink.
or makeout on the livingroom floor.
i needed a cure, and we all know that this "drink a glass of water upside down" and "hold your breath for three minutes" business is bullshit.
i do know however that taking your mind of the hiccups will usually cease them, but this is easier said than done when you're hiccuping every two seconds.
then a greasy little lightbulb went off over my head.
here's what you do:

1 - go sit in a quiet room by yourself, preferably in front of a computer that's preferably hooked up to the Internet.

2 - get comfortable, maybe take off some of your clothes.

3 - using the computer's mouse, point and click until you find some pornography that appeals to you.

4 - masturbate. reach for the stars. go for the gold.

i can promise you, by the time you're done doing that thing you do so well, your hiccups will be ancient history.
it's so simple.
feels good and it's good for ya.
fun and easy! with minimal clan-up! (i don't even know you so i cannot fully guarantee that your personal clean-up will be 'minimal'.)
you might want to practice this a few times beforehand, because you never know when the hiccups are going to strike.
you can thank me later.

note:: this also works with manual, magazine type pornography, if you happen to be a connoisseur of such things.

[Surgeon's Warning: this treatment may not be suitable for use at fancy dinner parties or company picnics where everyone brings their families. if you have been handling Jalapeno peppers prior to using the treatment, make sure to wash hands throughly. this treatment may become highly addictive.]


Anonymous Lindsay said...

You're a riot. Let's fight.

3:56 PM  
Blogger mike said...

we should fight.
you should win.
no holds barred.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Daryl said...

minimal clan-up? racist!

10:32 AM  

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