Location: Montreal

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

things to consider when purchasing a new winter coat

* range of agility - not the coat's range of agility, but YOUR range of agility while wearing said coat. if your coat has it's own range of agility, well, that's fucked up sir. anyway, few good ways to test for range while still in the store include: reaching high above your head; running on the spot, furiously; a "squat to pounce-roll" maneuver; dislocating your shoulder and using a wall or door to smash it back into place a la Mel Gibson in the action/comedy classic Lethal Weapon. if a store clerk gives you any trouble while performing these tests look him/her in the eye and say "hey! do you wanna sell this fuckin' coat or not? huh?" if your town only has one coat store and you don't want to cause a scene, maybe just measure yourself before you go in or something. smartass.

* hood to headphone ratio - do you like rock music? through big ass headphones? of course you do. you're a sexy young mover and shaker. do you like having a warm head? the kind of warm that only the hood of a coat can bring? well mon amis, if you like both of these things you're going to have to make a compromise, because most coat hoods fit big headphones underneath them in a manner i can only describe as 'awkward at best'. sure, you could switch to earbud headphones, but make sure you keep them loud enough to drown out the sound of women and children everywhere mocking the fuck out of you. so there's your dilemma. what's it gonna be? frostbite may be cold, but Deep Purple's 'Made In Japan' is cooool as shit.

* mustard resistance - don't even laugh. i could get mustard all over myself eating an apple.

* beer stashage - even the most pedestrian, minimalistic coats have at least two pockets, usually located symmetrically on the lower front area, near the zipper, buttons, velcro, houndstooth, bison cartilage or whatever the hell method of coat fastening you're into. these standard two front pockets are not so great for drinks on the go. they're too shallow too horizontal and are right out in the open. ideally, your coat should have some 'secret pockets' sewn into the inner lining, making them accessible only to you, the Coat Operator. the inner pocket should be able to conceal a standard bottle or tall can. an additional outer pocket that can hold a standard sized can is always a plus. also, if you're in a fix, fill your sleeves (and try to remember not to high five any cops while your sleeves are filled). if your coat doesn't have any sleeves, you've just wasted your money on a vest. chump. see what happens when you go shopping without your mom?


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