apologies, confessions & vague threats

time for a little Spring Cleaning.
here's an assortment of odds, ends, and other random tidbits that i've been politely (wisely?) keeping to myself for the past several months.
ah...the things i would've / should've / could've said.
now i'm not one for mudslinging.
nor am i a gossip slut.
(omg! did u hear mike is totally not a gossip slut!)
so i'm going to keep these anonymous.
these are for a pretty wide assortment of people, but if one of them applies to you, you'll know it.
probably.
much love babies!

• it was me. i drank it. all of it. and i'd do it again.
• when i said "later this week" i meant "never".
• i'm sorry i accidentaly called you Sarah, but that's not why i gave you the five bucks. i would've given it to you anyway.
• i lied. that stain was not from donair sauce.
• next time, i'm going to tape it to your goddamned forehead.
• i wasn't letting you win. i was losing on purpose.
• i'm sorry. i fucking hate Belle and Sebastian. i shouldn't have led you on like that.
• that wasn't a cute coincidence. it took me a week to plan that.
• for the record, the blood was fake. but the tears were real.
• i promise i will never, ever do that in your car again.
• sometimes we call you Barfy MeatSlapper when you're not around.
• i was actually awake the whole time. you're so fucking busted.
• i wasn't trying to steal your mail. i just wanted the crossword puzzle from your newspaper.
• i wasn't at a bar. i was in the woods by myself, getting drunk and listening to Cat Stevens. and Steely Dan.
• i know you noticed. and now you know i know it.
• the mysterious vomit? all me baby.
• remember when we bumped into eachother and i joked "no..i was trying to grab your ass...ha ha!"?
i was totally trying to grab your ass.
next time i will.