(pou)tine hunger force

you may remember a post from last year about Poutine Pizza. well! here are some other existing recipes that could be enhanced/made retarded by adding Poutine. get hungry!

Poutine Cheeseburger
Poutine Lasagna
Poutine Sushi
Poutine Taco
Poutine Omelette
Poutine Banana Bread
Poutine Stew
Poutine Popcorn
Poutine McNuggets
Poutine Pad Thai
Poutine Rice Krispie Squares
Poutine Sloppy Joe
Poutine Mandarin Salad
Poutine Pudding
Poutine Fries 'n Gravy
also, you could stuff a turkey with Poutine.

the best thing before sliced bread:

catapult

puppy scratch fever

"dude, how was your Valentine's Day?"

"you know. it was the usual depressing shitshow that comes with being single on Valentine's Day."

"i thought you said you were going to a bar or something."

"i did. i went to that college bar that all the freshman chicks go to. i brought a shoebox full of puppies with me."

"puppies?"

"yeah. chicks love puppies. puppies are the Lemon Gin of the animal kingdom."

"so what happened?"

"i got swarmed man. it was great. this one girl was all over me."

"what was her name?"

"i dunno. Sandra or Dawnette or something."

"did you hook up?"

"almost."

"what do you mean 'almost'?"

"well, it was all aces at first. she was gaga for those puppies. it was pretty much a slam dunk, but then i botched it."

"how?"

"i said, 'if you like these puppies you'll LOVE my bed. my sheets are made of puppies'."

"and?"

"face slapped. puppies confiscated. ass kicked to curb."

"shitty."

"i know. she must have been vegan or something."

"so...where did you get the puppies in the first place?"

"found 'em in some dude's yard."

"nice."

"thanks."

shut up. shut up. shut up.

there's nothing like spending a Wednesday night at your local hole-in-the-wall watering hole, exercising (exorcising?) the old beer gland and soaking up some dirty ass rock & roll.
what a delightful midweek social activity.
that is unless, out of fucking nowhere, your hole-in-the-wall watering hole is hosting a Spoken Word Poetry Slam.
more specifically an 'open mic' Spoken Word Poetry Slam.
there's a reason people hide diaries under beds people.
and that reason is shame.
teenage girls know this, why don't you?
i'm as open minded as the next guy. if you wanna yodel while wearing a tampon tophat and have cocaine for breakfast every morning, that's fine with me.
but i have to draw the line at Spoken Word Poetry Slams.
especially SWPS's that happen at bars.
bars are for drinking and loud music. you ruined my bar.
i'm sure you think you're 'expressing yourself' or 'making an artistic statement' or 'are a cool person completely in touch with reality' but the fact of the matter is that nobody, absolutely nobody, in the world, cares about poems about other people's feelings.
arts/entertainment wise, standing on a stage reading a poem about your laminated scrapbook of melancholy is the zenith of laziness.
and anyone who claims they really 'got it' or 'were totally feeling it' are only doing so hoping that you'll maybe have sex with them later. which is also a zenith of laziness, albeit in a completely different field.
unless you're a famous author, a science professor, a really hot chick or Batman, there's a 99.98% chance that no one will give a fuck.
"but they clapped afterwards."
only to relieve the awkward silence.
and maybe pity.
some people are nice.
not me apparently.
i'd rather watch a Mime Show.
"but that mime wasn't expressing anything? he had no message, man."
yeah, but did you see when he was trapped in that box?
"but he got out of the box?"
i know! and did you see how windy it was up there?
maybe i'm being a bit of a philistine here.
maybe i shouldn't knock it until i've tried it.
but if (IF) i ever attempted to walk through the Ring Of Fire that is spoken word, i'd at least have the sense to moxy it up a bit.
an interesting story!
sunglasses!
throw a few jump kicks in there!
adjective solo!
"now you're just trying to be offensive."
yeah, well, you're a retard.
thank you and goodnight.

church:

crappiest.
book club.
ever.