sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

lesser known mythical beasts

Duocorn - a two horned Unicorn
Horseicorn - a hornless Unicorn
Diocorn - like the Duocorn except shorter, more evil and with better taste in music (because what duocorns listen to is probably twice as gay as what regular unicorns listen to)
Shiticorn - probably like a donkey or something
Gregasus - a Pegasus named Greg
Mebrucea - a Medusa named Bruce

Saturday, January 27, 2007

please god no not like this

this right here friends, is my dying wish.
(not that i'm dying or anything, or ever will die; i'm just putting this out there so folks know what they're in for.)
after the orc attack or whatever goes down, and after a certified doctor has pronounced my body as no longer living, a group of my closest friends and lovers will be assembled to build my casket.
it must be built only by my friends and only while said friends are heavily liquored.
any so-called friend who chooses not to participate will be made to feel bad by my special Post-Living Project Coordinators.
i obviously won't care what the casket will look like so try to have fun with it.
some racing stripes would be pretty sporty.
maybe drink holders.
a little bird house....whatever makes you happy.
sometime the next afternoon or whenever people wake up from the drinky-buildy party, my non-cremated remains are to be placed in the casket in a hilarious manner (like with no pants on or a wig or something) and dragged into the woods.
the casket is NOT TO BE BURIED.
you guys worked hard on that, let the world enjoy it.
burying is for cowards, veterans and once beloved household pets, of which i am none.
anyway, after the dragging and dumping maybe you guys could say a few words, do a J if you want, you know, just hang out a bit.
ideally, someone would have the foresight to bring a ghettoblaster and a casette that starts with 'Pet Sematary' by The Ramones followed by 'Louie Louie' repeated for however many times it fits until the tape is full.
after the tunes just leave me to rot i guess.
let the city deal with it.

Monday, January 15, 2007

2007 Hot List!!

what's hot in 2007??
this stuff!!

hot season! - winter!
hot hand accessory! - mittens!
hot scarf! - a scarf!
hot excuse! - wizards did it!
hot carl! - gross!
hot room! - cryogenic chamber!
hot color! - neon grey!
hot sauce! - hot sauce!
hot thing to drink from! - bottles!
hot late 19th Century volcano eruption! - Krakatoa!
hot scene from 1972 Blaxploitation classic 'Blacula'! - when those cops have to fight those jumping vampires that are on fire in a huge room filled with empty cardboard boxes!
hot way to eat soup! - from a bowl! with a spoon!
Hot Hot Heat! - suck!
hot water bottles! - awesome when you're sick!
hot thing to touch! - the top of a lit candle when it's lit!
hot lists! - totally hot!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

the zoologist (starring Dr. Artimus Squire & Research Assistant Gloria Alvaro)

Dr. Squire - (opens door) Research Assistant Alvaro, thank you for coming at such short notice.

Alvaro - no problem Doctor. it is my job. what is it that you wanted me to see?

Dr. Squire - follow me, please.

[they walk hurriedly down a long dimly lit hallway, passing large window panes through which can be seen much scientific paraphernalia. Dr. Squire opens a door marked 'Marsupial Genetic Research Facility' (also known as the MGRF), and ushers Research Assistant Alvaro inside.]

Dr. Squire - (hands Alvaro a print-out of some graph or chart or something) take a look at these numbers.

Alvaro - my goodness. these...are these accurate? are these the numbers for Pegasus? (Pegasus is the female North Tasmanian Wombat that Squire and Alvaro have been studying for the past twelve months, she is the last of her kind).

Dr. Squire - they are quite accurate, i assure you.

Alvaro - do you know what this means Doctor? this means..

Dr. Squire - (interrupting) that Pegasus is pregnant.

Alvaro - Doctor! this is an amazing breakthrough! we can save their species from extinction!

Dr. Squire - i know.

Alvaro - and the scientific community! they're going to be all over this....this...this is huge! you've finally done it Doctor. you're the first to successfully artificially inseminate a female North Tasmanian Wombat.

Dr. Squire - oh, it wasn't artificial.

Alvaro - but..... she's the last of her kind.... and... how did?....

Dr. Squire - (staring intensely into Research Assistant Alvaro's eyes)

Alvaro - .....Doctor?.....

Dr. Squire - why won't you notice me Gloria?

[they kiss, but their love will always be tainted].


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

music 2006 (late edition)

Boris - Pink
Japanese heaviosity supernauts switch from "deafening forbode" to "deafening kick out the jams riffage" on this monster of a rock album. the only exceptions to the garage band on fire rule are the opening and closing tracks, 'Farewell', which sounds like My Bloody Valentine at the bottom of the sea, and 'Just Abandoned Myself', which sounds like it was recorded in a wind tunnel powered by a hundred guitars that's being used for evil instead of science. when i listen to this while walking downtown i half expect buildings to start crumbling around me. wear a helmet kids.

Sonic Youth - Rather Ripped
few bands have had as long and varied a career as the Sonic Youthers, and even fewer bands have been able to create and thrive in a 'sound' so completely and unmistakably their own. but in all their years they've never released anything quite like this; a beautiful, shimmering record of 3-4 minute pop songs (this being SY the term 'pop' is relative, of course). the guitars climb and tumble and cartwheel and make out all over eachother and it sounds amazing. at first listen it comes off as deceptively simple, but their tunes have never been tighter, denser or more melodic. 'Incinerate' is hands down the best song i've heard all year (and is certainly in the running for prettiest guitar-pop song of all time), and 'Pink Steam' is a slinky sex-crime that you'll end up asking to stay for breakfast.

Mastodon - Blood Mountain
strong enough for a man, but made for a Lv. 9 ascending Orc Mage. my god it feels good to get excited about metal again. i already raved about this album back in October, so here's a wee snippet of the band's bass player describing one of their songs:
"caught in a blizzard where [he] becomes frostbitten and frozen and [he's] starving and starts to hallucinate. [Then] this snow queen appears before him and tells him it's OK to start eating his own flesh. And then he starts to do that. Then an aurora borealis appears, and he thinks it's God, and it starts affecting this crystal skull he's been toting up the mountain, and it starts to warm his body. That, coupled with the knowledge of the aurora borealis being God, gives him the strength to start to carry on again."
take that Traveling Wilburys!

Madlib - Movie Scenes Vol 1-2
this right here is a sprawling, sampledelic, schizophrenic party record. Madlib's been digging elbow deep in those dusty old record bins and he's trawled up nothing but the freshest of beats. be they familiar, random or impossibly obscure, Lib fuses them together with unparalleled panache. he's divvied the mostly instrumental tracks up into two minute scores for scenes from movies that may or may not actually exist. think of it as a Blaxploitation themed fondue party, with funk instead of cheese sauce.

Buck 65 - Strong Arm
Mr. Sixty Five released this earlier last year as a free-to-download two part mixtape, available solely through the Show and Tell quadrant of his website. what a lovely fucking gift. it's comprised of two tracks, Side One and Side Two, each being roughly twenty minutes long and each being "holy frig there's a lot going on in these here songs!". it's got everything from sketched out gospel chants to wrangling with the devil himself; even a sweet little ditty about newborn babies. if you're a fan of Buck's older, more manic DIY type stuff this is not to be missed.

Comets On Fire - Avatar
blissed out Sabbathian revival record of the year. just as heavy as their previous album, the mightier than mighty Blue Cathedral, but infused with a taste of the uppermost peripheral of modern psychedelia. Cathedral was a ballistic missile fired through a Marshall stack. this time they aimed for the stratosphere. bullseye.

The Advantage - Elf Titled
Nintendocore at it's finest. these guys aren't just doing covers, they're elevating the compositions of the games they love and turning out impossibly tight and completely faithful nerd rock masterpieces. Castlevania 2, Contra, Metroid and my ever-beloved MegaMan 2 are all represented, made gloriously headbangable by these curators of 8-Bit fetishism. put down your controller and pick up that Air Guitar.

Loose Fur - Born Again In The USA
round two of this Jim O'Rourke / Jeff Tweedy side project finds our boys staggering down a song-ier more sing-alongable dirt road. it's a delicious blend of rootsy Americana and weirdo alt-country, more hummable than their last outing and the lyrics are sharper than your grandpas pocket knife. download 'Hey Chicken' and see for yourself.

Beck - The Information
this is what i've been waiting for. after the heart-rippy-outy hangover of Sea Change and the well meaning but awkward sounding Guero, it's good to hear Beck letting loose again. and this my friends, is letting loose in a grand fashion. the production is immaculate, wrapping itself around the jaunty white boy robo funk he hasn't visited since Midnite Vultures and even dabbling in the twangy, found-sound noiseiness of his early days. compound all this with a weird hyper-paraniod futurism we haven't heard from him before and you've got one hell of a Beck album there buddy.

Chad VanGaalen - Skelliconnection
without a doubt the quirkiest, smirkiest and sincerely yet awkwardly heartfelt record i've heard all year. Mr. VanGaalen's got a knack for whipping together insanely catchy bedroom folk (literally) and decorating it with strange, almost whimsical, tweaks and creaks from instruments that he builds himself. but the strangest instrument here is his voice, almost absurdly warbled but always painfully honest, even if he is singing about.....whatever the hell he's singing about. his immune system? probably.