sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

incumbent beware

City Mayor.
is there any other title that inspires more respect, fear and adoration than that?
of course there is. Galactic Overlord.
but i'm not running for Galactic Overlord.
i'm running for Mayor.
"but how will you win? you have no knowledge of the political process. you don't pay your taxes. you don't even own a suit."
those things are probably true, but they shall not deter me.
because i've already won.
that's actually my campaign slogan: I've Already Won.
todays modern voters dig confidence.
also: people hate taking time out of their oh so important schedule to head down to the polls, or voting arena, or whatever you call it. if they think someone (me) has already won, why would they put themselves through the hassle of pulling a lever or punching a card?
they wouldn't.
that would be crazy.
and a vote for no one may as well be a vote for me.
i'm almost certain that's how these things work.
but a catchy slogan and the possibility of voter confusion aren't always enough. no siree.
i don't want a 'win'.
i want a 'rim destroying slam dunk from center court'.
and that's where my billboards come in.
until now, every election poster ever in the history of recorded election posters has looked exactly the same.
- challenger's name
- smiling headshot of the challenger
- challenger's slogan in a pleasing and easy to read font
the only, and exceedingly rare, variations to this formula are "challenger giving a thumbs up" and a small graphic flourish, like a star or a check mark.
that's weak.
modern voters want a little 'zazz' in their campaign propaganda.
that's why my posters will be gigantic.
i'll still be smiling, but more of a "you know you want it" smile as opposed the the classic "you can trust me, i'm old" smile.
and it'll be a full body shot.
and i'll be wearing a top hat and maybe a tasteful cape.
my left hand will be clenching a large sack of money.
and my right, a long, thick chain. at the other end of which is the Devil, whom i've beaten and captured for the good of the people.
the font? Iron Maiden.
my slogan you already know.
and if you already know it, it must be true.
so vote. or don't.
it doesn't even matter.
see you in October.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

three ways to make a not very interesting film more interesting

1. - add crosshairs. you know in a spy flick, when a sniper looks through his eyepiece, and it shows you what he's seeing with the crosshairs superimposed? do that, but superimpose the crosshairs over the WHOLE MOVIE. even if it's not a spy flick. especially if it's not a spy flick. this will give the audience a feeling of constant anticipation, like, "when's he gonna shoot these people?". but, since it's the audience who are peering down through the crosshairs, this technique may also add an existential element to the picture. like, "when are WE gonna shoot these people?". that's way more interesting.

2. - add a CG ghost of a deceased person. not as a character, and not as a part of the plot or narrative; just have them kind of float by at random intervals. maybe howling and rattling chains if you're feeling dramatic. the trick to making this method work is absolute denial. when people/the press come up to you after a screening and say "man, that CG ghost of John Candy was weird", hit them with a confused look and claim that you have no idea what they're talking about. maybe imply that they're crazy if you're feeling dramatic. after doing this a few times the public will pick up on it and conclude that your film must be haunted. and if i learned anything at Bible Camp, it's that haunted = interesting.

3. - try smoking some weed. and throw some boobs in there.

Monday, April 07, 2008

goth on a bike

now there's something you don't see everyday.