sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Saturday, March 31, 2007

night train

it all started when i decided that taking the bus was for losers.
no actually. it all started at Catou's private Kareoke birthday jam.
which was lovely; babes, tunes, booze... the Triforce of Good Times aligned perfectly with our latitude, making the party an absolute success.
the only snag was that the proprietors of Private Room Kareoke Bar did not allow any outside liquor, which we smuggled in by the fuckload.
so, when things began to wind down a touch, i offered up my now empty backpack as a means to de-smuggle the empties and avoid tarnishing our good name.
and let me tell you, this sucker was stuffed. almost un-zip-up-ably so.
leave no trace.
and since empties are pretty light in the weight department; compounded with the fact that i was hosting a healthy level of drunkeness; i hardly even noticed i was trucking around a bundle of stinking, dripping beer husks.
and if i did realize, i almost certainly and immediately forgot.
and that was that.
party over.
get a quick bite with a friendly gal from the party, walk her to the bus depot and try to figure how to get home from this area that i'm entirely unfamiliar with.
it was then, while trying to decipher the matrix of tiny lines and numbers that passes for a bus schedule in this town, that i decided taking the bus was for losers.
it's a nice night, i'll just walk until i see a Metro sign and catch the next train.
finding a station didn't take long, but waiting for the first train of the morning would take some time, since time was just creeping upon 5am.
so, like any good transient drunkard would, i splayed myself across the subway bench and promptly fell unconscious.
i'm not sure how many trains flew past me before i roused up, but i caught one which was mostly empty and again passed out across a couple of seats.
then, after an unknown measurement of negative time, i was awakened by a fellow passenger who noticed i was partially on the floor, sliding corpse-like off the seats, probably because of the awkward girth of my festering booze sack.
i muttered some bestial noises, righted myself as best i could given the situation, and once again comatized under the weight of a long night of alcohol abuse.
when i woke up the next time, i realized i was but a handful of stops away from the easternmost part of the island. i'd hazily drifted across the entirety of urban Montreal an was now impossibly far from home.
this discovery gave me the jolt of energy i needed to sprint off the train and switch directions.
of course, this jolt of energy dissipated the moment i sat on the station floor and passed out yet again.
somehow woke up and got on the right direction, only to discover i was still traveling east, which would mean that when i originally disboarded i wasn't "heading" east, i was "coming back" from east because i had snored and drooled right through the End Of The Line.
i wanted so badly to not be wasted and be home or be able to get home sensibly but the shithammer in my head was unrelenting.
another switch.
another coma.
another wake up call from a kindly stranger.
(it was around this time i realized that most of these early-morning-go-to-work type passengers probably thought i was a street punk, what with my being right out of 'er and my clothes with food on them and my backpack full of empty bottles and cans.)
transfer station.
another wee nap.
another train full of disapproving glares from odor sensitive suit dummies.
when i finally arrived at Mont Royal station i was rudely greeted by the atomically bright sunshine gleaming down onto the escalator.
it's tricky to know when it's morning when you're whizzing around underground and asleep and too liquored to read your watch correctly anyway.
death sleep.
real sleep.
i was mighty tuckered for a chap who spent most of the past three hours with his eyes closed.
it's night again.
think i'm going to stay local this evening.

the hangover

the light and the noise tag team my brain; the sensation not unlike standing under an industrial strength showerhead that blasts Phillips head screwdrivers instead of dirty city water.
i don't even feel like i'm made of meat anymore.
more like a glitchy piece of computer equipment that's been programmed to feel pain.
there was a hard liquor blackout and Windows did not shut down properly and i lost all my saved files.
but, it coulda been worse i suppose.
i could've gotten my dick punched off by ninjas.

Monday, March 26, 2007

the ten best parts of the Dio music video, Holy Diver

- that awesome close-up of Dio's sword.

- when Dio slays that weird guy who, when dead, turns into a pile of rats for some reason.

- the big weird evil cat guy who is superimposed over footage of an erupting volcano.

- Dio wailing in front of a backdrop of raging fire.

- when Dio walks into some room and there's a blacksmith guy forging a sword.

- at exactly 2:31 when the blacksmith guy throws the sword to Dio, just as he's singing "life's a never ending wheeeeeeeeeeeeeel!! say!" and he catches the sword. **(note: Dio discarded his original sword shorty after entering the blacksmithing room.)

- Dio doing a confusingly awkward march through some open gates while swinging his new sword, solemnly. as if unsure of the powers it may yield.

- when it shows those three red hooded monk guys sitting in front of an image of the big weird evil cat guy, (still superimposed over footage of an erupting volcano), and the last monk guy looks up to reveal he has weird evil glowing cat eyes.

- Dio wailing in front of a backdrop of raging fire. again.

- at the end, when Dio slowly walks towards the camera, glaring angrily, and just for a second or two they superimpose big weird evil cat guy's face over Dio's face.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

the official "The Warriors" drinking game

rule #1: whenever someone is wearing a vest, drink.
rule #2: see you in jail.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

things i would maybe think to myself while brushing my teeth with a live jellyfish instead of a toothbrush, if i had to do that for some reason

- up yours, Colgate!

- i bet i could floss with the tentacles. i can't believe i didn't think of that until just now.

- ahh.....sweet hydrozoan.

- i wonder if Sandra ever thinks about me.

- what the fuck am i doing?!!

- i wonder if this jellyfish has reached adulthood; or if it'll maybe grow larger and more aware if i stop using it to brush my teeth. also, is this jellyfish a dude or a chick?

- mmmmmmm..... harbor fresh.

- i hope Pam and Jim can work something out. they're so good for each other.

- ahhhh!! oh Jesus!!! oh shit!! this would feel awesome if these poison tentacles weren't so stingy!!

- vertebrates just don't get my teeth their whitest.

- now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down and i'd like to take a minute just sit right there i'll tell you how i become the prince of a town called Bel-Air.

- i wonder which part is the butt.