sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Pope'n ain't easy

how come the Pope never wears his hat anymore?
maybe his ancient neck just can't support such a weighty headpiece.
that guy's spinal column is probably about as strong as a soggy communion wafer.
do you think he'll be buried with his hat?
is it even his or does it belong to "the church"?
they'll probably just engrave his name and stats onto it and pass it on to the next Pope.
which would make the 'Pope Hat' the Stanley Cup of Catholicisim.

Monday, March 28, 2005

ten best Junior High Dance makeout songs

1. Don't Cry - Guns N' Roses
2. Bed of Roses - Bon Jovi
3. Angel - Aerosmith
4. November Rain - Guns N' Roses
5. Sister Christian - Night Ranger
6. More Than Words - Extreme
7. I Would Do Anything For Love - Meatloaf
8. End of the Road - Boyz II Men
9. Iron Man - Black Sabbath
10. anything by Sir Mix-A-Lot

Friday, March 25, 2005

pelted with gamma rays

remember that dirty old crack pipe i found?
last night when i was drunk i decided it would be a good idea to submerge it in my fishbowl. it's sitting at the bottom right now, gleaming in the clean, crisp water, quietly radiating invisible waves of waterborne Crack Particles.
my fish's behaviour has not changed.
i am slightly disappointed.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

reach down between my legs, ease the seat back

you wouldn't think two dudes with acoustic guitars who call themselves Mary-Kate and Ashley and perform in a crappy Mexican restaurant could play a convincing, even rocking cover of Van Halen's 'Panama'.
but then you'd be suprised.
i think DLR and Eddie V would've been suprised.
maybe it was the margarita's [].
they also did a rousing version of 'Jungle Boogie'.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

lint farming

my bellybutton is a state-of-the-art lint making dynamo.
i haul so much fuzzy, greyish-blue crap out of that sucker every day that i've decided to start keeping it. set up some sort of Temporary Lint Storage Facility. and maybe, on say a weekly or bi-weekly basis, take what's been building up in the TLSF and weigh it, monitor it's growth and collect statistics accordingly. crunch some numbers and figure out just how much lint my hairy little buddy can yeild. how much can i generate in a month? a year? six years? this will be my new long-term project. come visit me.

worst. video. game. ever.

did you know, that many years ago the Atari company buried 5 million unsold copies of it's 'E.T.' based video game in an unknown corner of the New Mexico desert?
Alex laughed and said, "i smell a documentary."
yeah. i also smell a road trip and a lot of shoveling.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

to the old lady that called me stupid...

expect to be rudely awakened in the ridiculous hours of the night. expect to hear profanity and the smashing of your various, maybe precious, personal possesions. expect to see me, drunker than god himself, tearing up your livingroom. expect to see me, dick in hand, pissing carelessly, maliciously, over your furniture and electronics, laughing.
expect to see me pissing in your late husband's ashes.
then i'll make you some breakfast.
and i'll piss on it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

partial transcript

i had a strange dream the other night.
these are the few bits i remember.
-it occured at a vaguely familiar looking swimming pool that happened to be in the woods.
-anyone in the pool (including a small group of random, personal friends) was able to swim above the actual water, bend time, do weird hover/pause maneuvers, and lift objects of incredible weight from the bottom of the pool.
-apparently we were able to do this because of some sort of hyper-advanced camera that was aimed/focused at the pool.
-there were two small, white rabbits hopping along the edge of the pool, one glowing from the inside like thoses Sacred Stones from 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.'
-the rabbits somehow fused together to form one large white cat.
-for some reason i've been hurled out of the pool, by the pool, and have landed on the deck. this new white cat climbs onto my chest. [it still has a glow, but now the glow is of a bluish-grey tint and is concentrated behind the cat's left eye/ear.]
-the cat's head separates from behind the ear and releases a very loud, abrasive, metal-on-metal sounding wail.
-i wake up and hit the 'snooze' button.

full-length albums can go to hell

:: a list of my ten favorite EP's ::

•Beastie Boys - Aglio E Olio
•Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Experimental Remixes
•Pavement - Watery, Domestic
•The Burdocks - Airplane Tracks
•Nine Inch Nails - Broken
•North of America - The Sepultura
•Sonic Youth - Kill Yr. Idols
•Holiday Snaps - Glorious Work EP
•Alice In Chains - Jar of Flies
•Beck - Beercan

Monday, March 14, 2005

ballast [luck]

i was so drunk i was beyond drunk.
transcending drunk.
i had inadvertantly perfected the chemical ratios inside my body, neutralizing everything.
human beings have rarely functioned on this level.
there was a heavy coating of ice blanketing every surface.
even the normals, the sober folk, were having trouble walking.
i didn't even walk. i glided, soared, across everything in one continuous, slowly evolving motion.
my brain was dimmed but my feet were completely in tune, communicating with the ice in ways i would never understand.
my legs a perfect machine of balance and timing.

random update

i don't know what was more exciting this week. popular actress Alicia Silverstone casually shopping around in my store or finding an old, obviously much used crack pipe in the alley by my apartment.
i feel so LA.

Friday, March 11, 2005

alcohol keeps happening

alcohol keeps happening.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

the stupidest thing i've ever done

One spring; during the early morning aftermath of some belligerent weekend party; my associates (John, Philly-Phresh, Zack, Frenzy) and I found ourselves stranded in some poor girls' basement. She had foolishly invited us to a party in her parents home and we had severely misbehaved. Within a few hours we had caused; either directly or indirectly; fights with the locals, property damage, vehicular damage and a brazen young whore to bail down a steep flight of stairs.
Our indiscretions had caused our young hostess to cry at her own party. On her birthday no less. As the night plowed forward most of the sensible guests had already left or had already been kicked out. Through some drunken miscalculation my friends and I were left behind and forced to spend the night. Our graciuos hostess informed us that she and her posse of irritated, female friends would be sleeping upstairs, while we; because obviously we were vile and disgusting people; would be banished to the unfurnished, concrete basement.
Passing out in a dirty basement on a mysteriously colored matress I could do. But I refused to do it on an empty stomach. Unfortunately, there was no food in this house. Also, there was nowhere near this house where one could obtain food at this time of night. Mad with hunger (and drugs and alcohol), I began rummaging around the cold basement. It was then that I discovered a large freezer-box, and by 'freeze' i mean 'sub-zero'. The inside of the box was one gigantic, solid, icy mass of preserved foodstuff. There was nothing readily edible, but it was the only game in town. After much bashing and chiseling (with a large wrench) I managed to free a modestly sized piece of frozen chicken breast. It was ugly, and covered with wrench dents, but it was food dammit.
I nearly broke my teeth, but managed to get a few morsels inside of me. When I returned to the room we were sleeping in, I found that Phil was still awake. "Is that fucking food?", he spat. "Chicken," I replied, and tossed him the still frozen chunk of poultry. As I lay down to pass out I heard Phil gnawing in vain on the rock-like meat.
Unable to sleep, I tossed and turned for the good part of an hour. It was then that I heard someone eating. Someone eating sloppily, with their mouth open. "Phil? Is that you?" "Yeah." "What are you eating?" "Here," he said, as he passed me a warm and jiggly little mass. "Dude, is this the chicken?" "Yeah." "How did you get it so warm?", I asked. "I thawed it out in my hands," he proudly exclaimed. Thankfully, it was dark in the basement, so I couldn't see the moist, disgusting little morsel Phil had heated with his grubby hands. This made it easier to eat without thinking of what I was actually eating. I ate it quickly and I ate it all. Then sleep came.
I awoke shortly after to the unpleasant sensation of having a stomach full of spinning, electrified, razor blades. There was a war going on inside me, and I was losing. I found I was unable to stand upright, so I had to crawl up the basement stairs to the kitchen, where i staggered, moaning loudly, past our young hostesses parents. They said, "Good morning." I said, "..pain..."
My bowels were teeming with poisonous, bacterial magma.
I flew into the bathroom, locked the door, and sat where I would remain sitting for the next hour.
I sat and I cried.
I cried like a baby.
The pain.

the 5 best episodes of The Simpsons:

-the Prohibition episode

-the one where Rodney Dangerfeild guest stars as Mr. Burn's son, Larry Burns. (bonus points for ending the episode with Journey's 'Any Way You Want It.')

-the one where Homer and Abe team up to sell their home made Love Tonic from town to town. also: Reverse Vampires.

-the Lemon Tree episode

-the one where at the start of the episode they're at a cider mill and Flanders is explaining to Homer the differences between Apple Cider and Apple Juice and Homer is so bored that his brain floats out of his head but Flanders keeps talking until Homer's body collapses on the floor because he has no brain. come to think of it, i think this is the beginning of the Larry Burns episode.
ok. Mr Plow then.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

possible names for a book about my life:

•The Night I Killed the Sulphur Witch
•Ignorant Noises
•Mange: The Threat is Real
•Bitch Threw a Plate at my Head
•The Bible 2: Full Throttle
•You Silly Fuckers Got me in Shit
•A Brief Essay on Gravitational Refraction
•I'm Insane and You're Not Real
•Scurvy Again?!
•Thirteen: The Year I Fell in Love with My Cock
•Immaculate Consumption
•People I'd Do: A Book of Lists
•I Am Too Young to Have All of These Ulcers
•Look at the Bones!
•The (Beer) Fountainhead

Saturday, March 05, 2005


are you quick to accept questionable boozes from mysterious strangers?
does talking about BBQ's and/or Lego get you excited?
do you have every single line in the movie Wayne's World memorized?
have you ever woken up drunk and seventeen underneath a big pile of sneakers to a kitchen-full of people yelling "shoeman!! shoemaaan!!"?
don't you think 'Ghettochip Malfunction' is an awesome name for a remix of an already awesome Beck song?
want another one?
a double?
you and i will get along just fine.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

the list

i think someone might have told me once that my memory is not the best. i'm pretty sure i can't argue with that. a good habit of mine is to write down important things on the back of my hand. i usually forget about these wrinkly hand-lists until someone points them out, reminding me of things i'm desperately trying to remember.
this was the list today:
-take back movies (one late, one still good)
-get food (done)
-mail letter (do that one later)
-feed fish (actually, he looks ok. he'll be fine)
-get drunk (on it)
so after a long day of wrestling with broken debit machines, stubborn printers and surly tech-support guys combined with the inhuman task of completing the list, i feel it's it's time to relaxo.
and what better way to relaxo than sitting in ones room with some whiskey on the rocks, a moderately priced imported (american) cigar and my good friend, Miles Davis.
i actually just spilled said whiskey all over the book i've been reading. but that's alright.
(i bet you totally thought this post would be a big list or something)

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

employee of the week

this is my new title. and this will remain my new title for, at the very least, seven days.
how did this come to be?
how did someone so lazy and uncaring towards work ethics come to be the 'Feature Employee of the Week'?
you see, "somebody" started a rumor that i saved a puppy's life in the parking lot the other day. "supposedly" this darling puppy was sleeping behind a large van that was slowly backing up. so I (being quick on my feet) sprinted towards the van, lunged, grabbed the puppy from the clutches of certain death, and power-rolled to safety.
little Sebastian's owner was so grateful.
tears of absolute joy streaming down her face.
kissing me over and over with those full, thankful lips.
hugging me. crying.
her supple thighs and ample bosom pressing against me.
it was nothing ma'am.
you get this little fella home; he's had an exciting day.
be safe.