sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Thursday, April 27, 2006

for sale:

• authentic, antique bearskin rug.
still has all it's original teeth.
bought before the war, still in fair condition.
wearing a little thin at the edges.
slight staining.
has been mildly fornicated upon.
~$70 / obo.

• old time children's swingset.
eight feet tall w/double swings.
new chains. just been repainted.
definently not haunted.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

craptastic voyage

i was the first person to arrive at the Shuttle Bus pick-up location (aside from the Driver of course). when i asked him how many more passengers he was expecting he said "just one", which was excellent news. this meant i could stretch out in the back row, listen to some tunes, nurse my tolerable but still kind of annoying hangover and remain generally undisturbed. this would be a rare occurence in the world of travelling by shuttle, and i welcomed it.

a few moments later a car pulled and dropped off the other passenger; an attractive but severe looking brunette (who i would later discover just turned twenty and was leaving home for the first time). she looked painfully upset as she said goodbye to her parents, almost disgusted. none of my business really, so i leaned back, closed my eyes and tried to get comfortable for the five hour journey ahead.

about ten minutes down the road i had to sit up to adjust my jeans, as they were bunching up in an uncomfortable way around my nether regions. when i sat up i glanced at the Girl, who was now sitting in front of me complaining into her cellphone. on her lap was a bizarre looking purse, all curly white fur with leggy little appendages sewn on. then her purse stood up, jumped over the seat, put it's leggy little appendages on my shoulder and tried to lick my face. turns out her purse was an adorable Paris Hilton-style lap dog. i looked scornfully into Dog's cold, dead (or so i wished) eyes and then into the back of Girl's head, as she whined into her bejewelled, nuclear pink cellphone (which matched her nails).
i should have hitchiked.

over the next hour she made four (4) more teary phonecalls to her parents or minions or cauldron of witches or whoever, and made the driver stop twice because she was "going to be sick". which she didn't. both times she just got out, stood to face the highway and made a dreadfully sour face. i was tiring of these delays. "puke in a fucking bag! throw it out when we get there!" i felt like yelling. but i didn't. why make her more upset? i just wanted to get home before i ended up punching a small dog.

we were just shy of the halfway home mark when the shuttle started to break down. stalling, making unhealthy noises, not moving faster than 30km/h. i wanted to explode but said nothing, just turned up myPod and hoped the situation would repair itself.
no chance.
we stopped at a garage, Driver did something under the hood, continued to drive only to break down again moments later. Driver was becoming frantic, calling his boss, calling garages (most of which were closed for the holiday weekend), calling other Driver's for sage advice. all of a sudden, Girl sat up and said "i want to go to McDonald's. right now."
woah. time and a place sister. no need to get nasty with Driver, he's got enough to deal with right now.
suprisingly, he thought it was a good idea. so he dropped Girl and i off in front of the nearest WalMart while he scoured the area for an open mechanic. since Dog was not allowed in WalMart she had to stay in the van with Driver. "DO NOT lose her...." said Girl.
what a sweetheart.

the next thing i know i'm sitting in a WalMart McDonald's with a girl i don't know, wondering where my luggage is and if i'm secrety being punished for taking my shirt off in that crowded bar the night before. as we ate we chatted about where we were travelling. it turns out Girl was heading all the way out west for some job that involved horses. i was suprised to find she was actually a pretty nice person, even a little funny, and felt bad for judging her before i actually got to speak with her. i should also note that during the first ten minutes in McDonald's she called Driver twice for status reports on her dog. personally, i would have asked for status reports on the VAN, but i'm weird like that. she excused herself and headed for the washroom as i stared at a half eaten Big Mac. i then finished off her McNuggets.

after five minutes in the washroom she strode up to the table and said "c'mon...i wanna get stoned before buddy gets back with the van."
sure. why not.
we went outside and sat on an old picnic table only a few metres from the busy entrance of what was probably the only WalMart in town. she lit up, not caring she was in full view of parents, children and seniors alike. this kid had moxy! naturally, she was chatting on her phone the entire time she was smoking (looking back...i wonder what the hell kind of cell plan she had. she was heavy into the daytime minutes), leaving me to survey the rampant vandalism that was spread across the surface of the table.
"WAL-MART SUX" said one inscription.
i agreed.
"MEGADETH!!!" said another.
again, i agreed.
just then Driver and Dog pulled up. "get in!", he said. "we're good to go."

i really didn't appreciate Driver lying to me like that.
we weren't forty minutes away from the WalMart parking lot when the van began to fill with noxious fumes. no problem! we'll just drive with all the windows down. all that cold, wet wind will be invigorating. Girl and i were just laughing at him now. (stoned Girl was a great deal more pleasant than stop i'm gonna be sick Girl.)
and then, the whole van just died completly.
just like that.
right on the side of the TransCanada Highway.
i spent the next two hours playing cards with Girl, waiting for a towtruck. her deck of cards were the exact same Chernobyl pink as her cellphone and her fingernails.
i would've danced naked for Hitler's ghost for a fresh cup of coffee.

the towtruck ride was pretty cozy.
four people and a dog.
and i should mention here that Driver was pushin' 250lbs.
i was between Girl and Driver.
Girl's hair smelled very nice.
Driver's fat sweaty arm did not.

the truck pulled us up to yet another garage, which was also closed. i stepped out and saw a service station just up on the horizon. i told Driver "i need coffee. i'm going up there. when you figure shit out, pick me up. i'll be out front."
"wait," said Girl, grabbing my arm, "i'm going with you."
alrighty, i thought. she wants to makeout behind that gas station.
nope. she just wanted to get stoned again.
whatever. i needed coffee.

she finished smoking just as we reached the edge of the station's parking lot. we were about to enter when we noticed a large red sticker of the Ghostbuster's symbol was pasted on the door, but instead of that silly fucking ghost, it was a picture of a little white dog, (looking eerily similar to Girl's dog, who i affectionately called Dog.)
"i have to pee sooooo bad, will you stay here and watch her for me?"
of course! i've been waiting to get Dog alone all day!
what a cute little poocher!
*annoyed sigh* " quick."

it was then, while standing in front of a sketchy service station in some sketchy sub-town community nestled behind some random off-ramp from some old underused highway i've never been on before in my life holding a goddamned poodle in my arms like some hairy newborn bastard that i thought to myself, "how the fuck did my day turn into this?"
and i laughed out loud.
maybe a little too loud, because i noticed a few heads in the parking lot turn in my direction. heads that were adorned with John Deere/Ford/embroidered eagle mesh-back baseball caps. they did not look at me with welcoming eyes.
who's this here city boy? holdin' that there poodle?
i decided that if one of them approaced me, i would use Dog as a weapon. try to deliver some blunt-force dog trauma to their temple, stunning them just long enough for me to make a break for the highway. Girl returned before that could happen, so i rushed inside and got two large (they didn't have extra large) coffees. when i exited, Girl, Dog and Driver were waiting in a brand new minivan.
let's fucking roll.

Girl stole the backseat but i didn't care. we were on our way and that was good enough for me. and looky looky here, this new van has a DVD player installed. Girl handed Driver a disc but it just skipped. she handed him another one, same thing. Girl was getting annoyed. "this is fucking ridiculous."
i strapped on my headphones, cranked some Preist and drowned them out.
my worries were fucking over.
twenty minutes later i opened my eyes and glanced up at the screen.
is that fucking Spaceballs?
that is fucking Spaceballs!
i turned back to tell Girl "good flick!" but she was laying down with her face buried into the seat cushions.
whatever. more Spaceballs for me.
"keep firing, Assholes!"

we pulled into the city limits just as Lone Star and Dark Helmet were squaring off in their climactic final battle.
finally, i thought. this is over.
(not Spaceballs, the journey. i could have watched Spaceballs all day.)
nope, not yet.
"pull over...i'm gonna be sick...."
again! god!! we're like two minutes away!!
she gets out, stands there, makes sour face, gets back in.
when we pull into the parking lot i've already got my luggage on my back, ready to sprint out the door leaving all this behind me.
we stop. we laugh for a second. ok, i'm done.
i slide the door open, say goodbye to Girl without looking back and get one foot out onto the pavement when she excitedly says "omigod, look at this...."
i turned around slowly, hoping she'd finish her sentence with "my bra fell off" but no luck. she was holding a small plastic bag in her hand. it looked like a bag of soup. "i totally threw up in this while we were driving!"
i stared right in her eyes for a full two seconds, not smiling.
"good luck," was all i could think to say.
i left the parking lot as quickly as i could.
about half a block later i ran into a friend of mine.
"hey man, what are you up to?"
i gave him the short version.
"dude! that sucks! did you get your money back?"
i turned from him to face the street.
walked right up to the curb.
i knew what had to be done.
where's a fucking steamroller when you need one?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

sumer is icumen in

i don't know who's party that was.
i dont' know what street it was on.
i don't know who any of those people were.
i don't know where all that liquor kept coming from.
all i did know was that it was almost sunrise and i felt like the fucking Wicker Man; half on fire, surrounded by Pagans, with a frantic British detective being burned alive in my stomach.
yay springtime.

"how do you slice your thumb opening a bottle of wine?"
"sorry, the sun was in my eyes."

Monday, April 17, 2006

Appetite for a Luncheon

hi! welcome to Appetite for a Luncheon; downtown's premier G 'n R-themed eatery! come in, pull up a stool, whiff an empty bottle at a stripper and choose one of our mouth watering lunchtime combos. such as:
- Paradise Chili
- Sweet 'n Sour Child 'o Mine
- Rice Trian
- Garden of Eatin' (our 20ft. salad bar!)
- Live and Let Pie
- It's So Greasy
- Yesterdays (leftovers)
- Oreganovember Rain
- Get in the Shrimp Ring
- You Could Be Minestrone

"excuse me, waiter? what's the special today?"
"that would be the Spaghetti Incident meal deal."
"ummm. no."

Thursday, April 13, 2006

spring fashion

i'd like to own a t-shirt with the word Breakdancin'! written across the chest.
and below that, an image of Ted Danson being struck with a hammer.
that's very funny to me.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

a haiku

hungover at work
the only thing in my mind
the taste of bacon

Friday, April 07, 2006

dark side of the goon

there is only one thing worse than getting stuck behind a very tall person at a rock concert, and that's getting stuck behind a very tall person who is dancing like a lunatic.

"gee..i'm already like 6'4", maybe if i toss my lanky as fuck arms in the air i can seem like 7'2" or something.
and i'll flail them around too!
look at my fucking wingspan! i'm gonna sway violently from side to side.
oh we're cooking. no one can see shit.
people love the taste of my elbows!
i am a monolith of social ignorance!"

now i've been stuck behind some chumps at shows before, but this guy was something else. he wasn't even directly in front of me, he was like three people over and he was still fucking my view.
he was really losing it.
Snakes on a Plane losing it.
and the weirdest part?
when i managed to advance forward, out from the Dark Side of the Goon, i looked back, just to see who this reprobate was.
and his face was a snarling mask of pain and hatred.
(let me inform you that this was a Broken Social Scene show, NOT a Cradle of Filth show.)
what the fuck was his problem?
why was he doing this?
probably hopped up on Goofballs.
(and not the good kind of Goofballs. angry Goofballs.)

Sunday, April 02, 2006

apologies, confessions & vague threats

time for a little Spring Cleaning.
here's an assortment of odds, ends, and other random tidbits that i've been politely (wisely?) keeping to myself for the past several months.
ah...the things i would've / should've / could've said.
now i'm not one for mudslinging.
nor am i a gossip slut.
(omg! did u hear mike is totally not a gossip slut!)
so i'm going to keep these anonymous.
these are for a pretty wide assortment of people, but if one of them applies to you, you'll know it.
much love babies!

• it was me. i drank it. all of it. and i'd do it again.
• when i said "later this week" i meant "never".
• i'm sorry i accidentaly called you Sarah, but that's not why i gave you the five bucks. i would've given it to you anyway.
• i lied. that stain was not from donair sauce.
• next time, i'm going to tape it to your goddamned forehead.
• i wasn't letting you win. i was losing on purpose.
• i'm sorry. i fucking hate Belle and Sebastian. i shouldn't have led you on like that.
• that wasn't a cute coincidence. it took me a week to plan that.
• for the record, the blood was fake. but the tears were real.
• i promise i will never, ever do that in your car again.
• sometimes we call you Barfy MeatSlapper when you're not around.
• i was actually awake the whole time. you're so fucking busted.
• i wasn't trying to steal your mail. i just wanted the crossword puzzle from your newspaper.
• i wasn't at a bar. i was in the woods by myself, getting drunk and listening to Cat Stevens. and Steely Dan.
• i know you noticed. and now you know i know it.
• the mysterious vomit? all me baby.
• remember when we bumped into eachother and i joked "no..i was trying to grab your ass...ha ha!"?
i was totally trying to grab your ass.
next time i will.