sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

an interview with Satan

Mike: Hello, Satan. How are you?

Satan: Fantastic. Fan-tastic. Any trouble finding the place?

M: No, your directions were fine.

S: Good. I worry people are gonna get lost down here; get themselves all turned around in the Labyrinth, get scalded or something. Just causes me a lot of hassle later on down the road, you know?

M: I understand. So, I guess we should get started.

S: Fire away.

M: Okey dokey. First things first; how was your summer?

S: Ummmmm... it was okay. Pretty relaxed. Worked a lot.

M: Did you go anywhere?

S: Yeah, actually. I went to Sacramento for a few days and i spent a week in Norway. They love me there.

M: I heard. Was it fun?

S: Oh, for sure. I got this tattoo, check it out. (shows tattoo on upper right arm; it's a tattoo of a naked, large breasted Medusa riding a winged bear over a city skyline)

M: Wow. That's awesome. Was it expensive?

S: No. I got a discount. I know the guy.

M: Rad.

S: Indeed.

M: So, it's autumn now and Halloween is right around the corner. Is that a busy time of year for you?

S: You know, it used to be, but these days... I don't know, it's gotten pretty commercial. Besides, there's so many kids out there causing shit I could probably not show up and no one would notice.

M: I used to love causing shit on Halloween.

S: I know you did. I remember that year you stole that scarecrow of that old guy's porch and strung him up on the park monkey bars and torched him.

M: You remember that?

S: Yeah man, that was awesome. I didn't even have to make you do it or anything.

M: Wow, thanks Satan.

S: No problem. (a vigorous high five is exchanged)

M: Nice. Okay, here's one. What's your favorite movie?

S: I don't really have a favorite, but my top five are Amadeus, Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, Ronin, Scream Blacula Scream and The Fly.

M: I love The Fly! Orignal or Jeff Goldblum version?

S: The Jeff one. So deadly.

M: Shit yeah. What have you been listening to lately?

S: Not too much new stuff. Mostly weird shit from Japan. Pretty stoked for that new Thurston Moore solo joint that's coming out.

M: I've heard it. It's excellent.

S: You've heard it already?

M: Yeah, I stole it off the internet.

S: Atta boy! (another high five.)

M: What's your favorite food?

S: Probably....chocolate. Yeah, chocolate. Chocolate and souls.

M: Cool. Favorite TV show?

S: I don't want to sound vain or anything, but definitely the News. Doesn't matter what channel.

M: Okay, and do you have a favorite word?

S: Right now.....dickbarf.

M: Your favorite word is dickbarf?

S: Yeah,(laughs), it's pretty gross.

M: No shit. I've never even heard it.

S: It's new; kind of a Hell thing.

M: I see. Do you play any video games?

S: Yeah, there's a great one I've been playing for the past couple thousand years. It's called "Human Beings"!

M: Oh snap!

S: Ha! Seriously though, I'm not much of a gamer.

M: That's fine. Here's a spicy one: how's your love life going?

S: Wellll...I've been single for the past year or so, so I've just been enjoying that.

M: Who were you with before that?

S: I'd rather not say. She's kind of famous, and we really weren't interested in being one of those 'high-profile celebrity couples'; adopting kids in Africa and all that garbage. I don't need that. It ended amicably though, we still talk.

M: Was she a "demon in the sack"?

S: (frowning) I'd appreciate it if you didn't use derogatory slurs in my lair.

M: Oh. Shit.....I didn't....I'm sorry if I..

S: Haha! Relax, I'm just fucking with you. She was hot though. Magma from the core hot.

M: Sweet. Well, that'll about do it I guess. Thanks for taking the time to do this and having me down here and everything.

S: Shit, anytime man. I had a lot of fun.

M: Me too. Well, right on ,Satan. I guess I'll see you around.

S: For sure. Take care of yourself.

M: I will. Bye.

S: Later.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

things i learned this summer

- Francais is French for "French".

- CSI is just a sexier/gorier big budget Scooby Doo for adults.

- my "high five" trick; always a hit at parties.

- my "make a quarter disappear in my nose" trick; not so much.

- taking a full can of beer to bed while drunk increases your chances of waking up soaked with beer by 100%.

- Superbad is even funnier the third time you see it.

- awesome name for a rapper: MC Compass, the Freebasin' Freemason.

- if traveling by plane, you can totally pack a hyper-realistic human skull replica in your carry-on; they won't even ask about it. give it a try.

- a mirror with a Quiet Riot cover printed it: one man's trash is another man's treasure.

- you actually can make an omelette without breaking any eggs. it's going to be kind of fucked up though.