sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Super-Ideal Power League

this one's for the Nerds.
bear with me.
i've been tossing this idea around in my head for months now.
you know how during the Olympics certain countries (well, Canada and the US mostly) will put together these super-high-powered hockey/basketball teams, using the absolute cream o' the crop in order to crush and destroy any/all competition?
'Dream Teams' i believe they're called?
well, that got me thinking.
and i realized something.
i hate sports a lot.
so decided to apply the Dream Team principle to something even more exciting (for non-gamblers at least); the world of fiction.
and when i say fiction i mean ALL fiction.
movies, television, literature, comic books, video games, the Bible, you name it.
think about can put any character in the history of fiction on your team.
who would you choose?
how powerful could your team possibly be?
would your team be able to defeat my team?
of course not.
{also: teams must contain exactly 8 members}
[because i said so]
here is my Super-Ideal Power League.
who's in yours?

Swamp Thing (from the popular comic of same name)
- the Swamp Thing is a powerful humanoid mass of vegetation. even though he is composed entierly of organic plant matter, he is articulate; able to speak and form complex thoughts and emotions. he can control nearby plant life, is able to regenerate lost limbs and even regrow his entire body anywhere that plants are present. he could be my sneaky information guy.

Unicron (from the Transformers universe)
- destroyer of countless civilizations, Unicron is a planet sized Transformer who has existed since the beginning of time, travelling the universe and devouring other planets, thus absorbing their information/technology/etc. he could be my home base and my vehicle. he would make a pretty good scrapper too, because he's pretty big.

Lando Calrissian (from the [watchable] Star Wars films)
- Lando is a swashbuckling space guy. he owns a city in the clouds and is the administrator of a gas mine. he is quite crafty, an exceptional pilot, and a total ladies' man. he could be the team's "Trim Co-ordinator."

Jason Voorhees (from the Friday the 13th films)
- Jason is a relentless, merciless mass-murderer who apparently cannot speak or be killed, by anyone. he enjoys wearing a goalie mask to conceal his deformed face and walking ominously through wooded areas carrying a large machete for disposing of libidinous young people in escalatingly creative ways. he'd be my infantry guy.

Pai Mei (from the film Kill Bill Vol. 2)
- thought to be well over a thousand years old, Pai Mei is an ancient martial arts master. he is infinitley wise and more than a little ruthless. he is the originator of the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Queen Alien (from the film Aliens)
- this is the Queen Mother of a nightmarish, insect-like hive of viscious predatory creatures known as Xenomorphs. the Queen is over 15 feet tall, has two sets of powerful razor sharp jaws, armored exoskeletal skin, a spiny, bladed whip-like tail, and a potent, acid-like substance for blood. i'm pretty excited about this one.

Merlin (of Arthurian legend)
- an infamous and most powerful wizard who lived hundreds of years ago. i'm actually kind of iffy about this one because i'm pretty sure Merlin was a real guy.

Mr.Spock (from the original Star Trek series)
- Spock is a half human, half Vulcan hybrid. he is super-intelligent; a being of logic and reason. he is able to obtain information from others using his patented Mind-Meld. can also render foes unconscious instantainiously with his Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Spock and Merlin would be my science guys and unofficial Team Leaders.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

DVD reviews

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
- too magical

- not magical enough

The Cosby Show: Season 2
- pure magic

Sunday, March 19, 2006

slain by unyeilding power

whilst standing before my bathroom mirror, just moments after waking up, i was distressed to discover a trail of crimson stickiness glotted into my moustache, starting just below my nose and running down to the corner of my mouth.
"uh oh," i thought. "nosebleed."
i then licked my moustache, in an effort to try and loosen the mess, and made another shocking discovery.
"hot sauce! score!"

Thursday, March 16, 2006

it smells clean (but you know it makes you feel dirty)

allow me to break down how laundry works at my place.
i do laundry when i run out of servicable clothing.
there are three main teirs in the Laundry Heirarchy, each signifying on which point along the Road of Absolute Filthiness a paticular article of clothing lies.
the teirs are Hanger, Floor and Basket.
anything up on a Hanger is assumed to be Fresh.
anything in the Basket has been inspected and judged unserviceable; once in the Basket a piece of clothing will not be removed and applied to my body. this is a rule that i cannot afford, socially or hygenically, to bend or break.
Hanger and Basket are at opposite ends of the Laundry Spectrum; in between them lies the always indefinite, sometimes unstable plane i refer to as the Floor.
the Floor (almost deserving of it's own spectrum) can contain articles of clothing worn for "only a few minutes" all the way up to "going on day six". it is not always easy to judge just how far along in it's journey an article of clothing is.
this is when the Smell Test must be administered.
after the test the article will be graded, and depending on it's grade will be A) worn, B) returned to floor or C) tossed in the basket.
the Smell Test results can be described from Slightly Post-Fresh to Throughly Soiled, with many, many gradients and sub-genres exisiting in between, the subtleties of which most of you could never understand or want to understand.
some of these sub-genres include: Post-Post Fresh, Gamey with Fair to Moderate Foodstuff, Maybe if i'm Desperate, Still Damp, Slightly Pre-Soiled and She Probably Won't Even Notice.
once an article passes through all these stages and reaches Throughly Soiled it is officially Retired until Wash Day.
Wash Day usually takes place just before or just after the Weekend; the Weekend being the crux of clothing soilage.
Pre-Weekend is usually a preparation wash.
Post-Weekend....i don't ask questions.
just throw it in the basket.
it's Still Damp.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

the slip

last night Rock 'n Roll chased me into a feild and beat me within an inch of my life.
and i welcomed it.
and i still feel it.
and i want more.
i got that good feeling.
that feeling of general goodness.
that "sun on my face, hands down my pants" feeling.
and i was kicking and screaming the whole time.
not in protest.
because it felt awesome.
and i can't even read that email address, because it's written in lipstick and spent the night in my pocket and i slept in my jeans, but i'm glad i have it.
and today will be the second or third best day of my life, because that's what i've decided and it's too late to stop it now.
i can say I Am The King Of Breakfast and know every word is true.
and you have no idea how good that feels.
let's bang.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

"Pimp My Cherished Tale of Whimsy"

i believe we are living in a progressive culture.
new generations are growing more and more accepting of different lifestyles and foreign ideals, which is really fantastic.
jump in the melting pot, baby!
sure there's still some grey areas.
some touchy subjects.
some fanatics. some unbelievers.
but we can fix that.
hell, I can fix that.
and i'll do it by creating something that's instantly appealing to every single person on our great green Earth.
i'll start by using the "something old/something new" formula.
i'm going to take Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol' and i'm going to inject it with a heavy dose of Here and Now.
first, it'll come out in mid-August.
no seasonal discrimination here.
second, i'm going to ethnic-up all the main characters. that way everyone will have someone to relate to, no matter who they are.
the lead character will be Lebaneser Scrooge.
Bob Cratchit will be a blind Inuit whale hunter, whose son will be Tiny Tim, a recovering alcoholic midget with severe vertigo, who is also a Mexican substitute teacher.
Jacob Marley will be Rastafarian. (Marley. get it?)
our story will be set in Scotland and ancient Egypt.
ancient Egypt with a Harlem-in-the-80's edge.
and we can't use Christmas because that's to inclusive, so it'll have to be Pancake Tuesday.
the ghosts of Pancake Tuesday past, present and future will be portrayed by a sleazy, coke-addled record exec, a Marxist hooker with a heart of gold and that Asian kid with all the gadgets from Goonies respectively.
the rest of the cast will be filled out with animatronic Hobbits weilding Light Sabres, some paraplegic Mafia guys with hearts of gold, and Christopher Lloyd, who will be playing a bisexual Native American ninja-dentist from New Zealand.
see, that's everyone.
we're all the same.
heal the world.
and the soundtrack will follow the same asthetic.
it will be recorded by Trans-Phat, a Polish duo of post-op transgender wunderkinds who are divorced and might also be brother and sister but are definently old school/garage rock/neo-folk/electroclash/battle rappers.
they do ultra modern re-imaginings of old holiday standards so they can be enjoyed by everyone.
'Silver Bells' is now called 'Welcome to the Slut Machine'.
and the message of our tale?
the underlying theme we're trying to express to the world?
who cares.
let's put our centuries of rubbish behind us.
let's fire our stupid little petty differences into the Sun.
let's just, you know, hang out.
maybe go down to the park.
rough up some illiterates.

Friday, March 03, 2006

good cop / bad cop

in this week's installment of good cop/bad cop we'll be examining that hella futuristic policing machine from the not-too-distant-but-kinda-getting-distant past, Robocop.
a random fit of nostalgia forced me to rent Robocop last week; Robocop being one of the more beloved films of my boyhood. when i was six/seven years old Robocop could do no wrong. how could he? he's a cop! and a robot! he's a robotic cop!
well, i've grown up a bit since 1986.
and i can tell you now, without reservation, that Robocop, while still being fairly "robo", is one sorry ass excuse for a cop.
during the course of his namesake film he only arrests ONE PERSON.
who he later murders.
actually, that's what Robocop is. a murderer.
robbery in progress? no problem.
Robocop will walk in, murder the guy, and march right back out with machine-like efficiency.
no questioning witnesses.
no investigating the scene.
no clues. no taking notes.
he doesn't even call the real cops to come and pick up the suspects' still-room-temperature corpse.
it's not like he's killing innocents or anything, just obvious misfits and bad guys, but still; murdering bad guys isn't a cop's job, arresting them and bringing them before a court of the law is.
murdering bad guys is a vigilante's job.
sure he lives in the police station.
and drives around in a cop car.
and has the word cop in his name.
but that doesn't change the fact that he's just an armoured, grudge carrying, murderous, robotic vigilante.
his job at the police station is purely coincidental.
he does not once use handcuffs in this movie.
as mentioned before, he does read one man his rights, but he does this while beating the man and repeatedly tossing him through randomly placed panes of glass.
i'm not saying any of this makes Robocop less cool.
Robocop is infinitley cool.
i'm just saying it makes him a bad cop, in the technical sense of the word.
or maybe not. maybe the Codes of Policing change for an officer once he dies and becomes roughly 85% mechanical.
maybe murdering everyone and leaving the mess are a part of his Robotic Rights.
and who am i to question something i couldn't possibly understand?
anyway, in closing, Robocop = bad cop.
i'm sorry if this disappoints you.
if you want some good cop action, rent Serpico.