sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Meredith's crotch

Meredith requested that i make a post about her crotch.
i do not remember why.
but i'll oblige her anyway.
so, for all you unbelievers out there, here is a short list containing all things currently known about Meredith's crotch.

• it is located just below her beltal region and her legs usually stem out symmetrically from either side of it
• she sometimes refers to it as "Xanadu"
• it makes a handy drink holder if you're in a fix
(girl, you so functional)
• it's quite photogenic
• it's usually covered in a thin layer of denim and another thin layer of whatever Meredith wears under her denim, if she does in fact wear anything under her denim
• it probably emits a pleasing warmth
• it's rumored to smell of lilacs

and there you have it.
if anyone else would like me to endorse their anatomy in any way please don't hesitate to ask.
i'll be waiting.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

quick survey

which would make a better Awesome Band Name?
(keep in mind that some of these ABN's will look even cooler when equipped with a Bitchin' Metal Font)

• Jeff Leppard
• Furious George
• Schindler's Fist
• The Sexy Peasants
• Vaginous Prime

Sunday, January 15, 2006

signs o' the times

three examples of creative and thought provoking vandalism.

• it was the early nineties and i was a bored fourteen year old. there wasn't much to do in the summertime except light grass fires and walk down to the store and read comic books. next to the store was a small barber shop that had one of those big light-up roadside signs with the plastic letters that you can switch around. i walked past this sign half a dozen times every single day. and it always said the same thing. "Ask About Our Perm Specials". one day i couldn't take it anymore and rearranged a few letters so the sign read "Ask About Our Sperm Special". my friends and i were throughly pleased and spent the rest of the afternoon laughing about bodily functions. however, my incredible delight was shortlived. by the time i got home for dinner i had been ratted out by a neighborhood kid and my parents recieved a telephone call from local police. this was my first official brush with the law.

• a few years ago during the holiday season some friends of mine hijacked a large neon sign in front of a busy downtown grocery store. the sign read "Sobeys Santa". in a flash of drunken inspiration they changed it to "Obey Satan". that's pretty funny. what's funnier is that it took management several days to notice and repair the sign. this was like the week before Christmas. happy birthday Jesus.

• details are a bit sketchy on this one but it's been confirmed as actually happening, even though i didn't get to see it. also i forget who did the vandalizing. friends of my brother i think. anyway, a group of young men were staggering down the side of a highway very late at night when they came across the sign of a local daycare centre. i'm not sure what the sign said originally, but i do know what they changed it to. it read "Whatever St. Daycare Centre: We Beat Your Kids". this was an inhumanly cruel thing to write in front of a popular daycare facility. it's also the funniest thing i ever heard in my life and it kills me that i wasn't there to witness it.
carry on my wayward sons.

most triumphant

just for kicks, here's the tracklisting for the soundtrack album to the movie "Conan The Barbarian".
each title is an exercise in epic-osity.
this amuses me.
especially when i read them aloud.
with my dirty Sean Connery accent.

1. Anvil of Crom
2. Riddle of Steel / Riders of Doom
3. Gift of Fury
4. Wheel of Pain
5. Atlantean Sword
6. Theology / Civilization
7. Wifeing (theme of love from "Conan the Barbarian")
8. The Leaving / The Search
9. Mountain of Power Procession
10. The Tree of Woe
11. Recovery
12. The Kitchen / The Orgy
13. Funeral Pyre
14. Battle of the Mounds
15. Death of Rexor
16. Orphans of Doom / The Awakening

i find it interesting that more than half of these titles are "Something of Something" titles.
there are also a lot of "Something / Something Else" titles.
i wonder why that is?
also, i was pretty bummed when Rexor died.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

dream weaver

the other night i had one of the most important dreams of my life.
it's level of importance isn't based on it being the Most Vivid or Most Shocking or Most Sexy dream i've ever had; it's important because it's made me think about my life and how i live it, more so than any other dream, vision or hallucination ever has.
and also, i find the fact that i had this dream on the first morning of the new year quite interesting.
so here it is.
i dreamt of the beginning of the end of the world.
i forget how i heard about it initially but i do remember being in "my room", (not my actual room, because it's never your actual room in a dream, it's always a kind of weird room that you just recognise as your own. anyway,) and piling furniture against the doors and windows trying to seal myself inside.
after a lot of pushing, dragging and Tetris-like planning i realised that i'd end up getting killed somehow anyway (because, you know, End of The World) so i decided that if i was gonna get Raptured, i was gonna have a front row seat.
it was at this point that the dream cut scenes to somewhere deep beneath one of the oceans, probably somewhere near the core. the me in my dream did not travel there, my brain was just giving me the background information that i needed to understand just how exactly the world would end. apparently, unbeknownst to all, there is a great evil dwelling beneath the Earth's crust, in the form of a ginormous molten turtle. absolutely gargantuan. i remember being able to only see one side of his head, and his friggin eyeball was the size of my living room and had eight pupils. also he was covered in spines and spikeys and mountainous horns. i remember someone standing in front of him, kind of initiating the whole fiasco, but i can't recall exactly who it was. i'm almost half sure it was Starscream, (from Transformers, Megatron's right hand man, ruthless and deceptive, could turn into a F-15 Eagle fighter jet at will.)
anyway, back to the surface.
i was in a large decrepit old house with about a dozen other people.
some who i recognised, some who i did not.
most of whom were babes.
outside things were getting very sketchy very quickly.
it was dark, torrential rain starting and stopping sporadically.
there was moderate flooding, high winds and many buildings and cars appeared to be on fire.
it was hard to make out exactly what was happening in the streets below but the screams of dying humans and probably some dogs could be heard in every direction. bursts of lightning would crackle and flare across the sky and i think i saw some orcs running amok.
there was a loud monotonous rumble and sinkholes were forming everywhere due to the immense molten turtle crawling upwards through the Earth's tectonic plates.
and we were all just standing around.
waiting. hoping to get a good view of the inevitable.
for a moment i felt a pang of real, genuine terror.
but then, like an interstellar kick in the nuts, an idea, the Only Idea, came to me and i knew what i had to do.
throughout the whole dream i was wearing a plain white t-shirt with nothing on it, no sarcastic observation, no band logo, no pizza sauce, nothing.
white and pure.
my mysterious new knowledge was, that if i used my good marker, there was something i could write on this shirt that would stop these things from happening. i could almost see myself walking out into this shitstorm of Earth-endingness, wearing the shirt, and remaining completely unharmed. i knew for a fact, 100% certain, that this would work.
i just had to figure out what to write on the shirt.
what phrase or symbol or word would prevent the beast from destroying me?
i thought about writing "Hero" but decided no.
i thought "Untouchable", and i knew it wasn't that, but it was something like that.
a few of the others made suggestions to, but the only one i can remember is "1989" and i don't even know how that would work.
but there was no time.
this was it. we were right on the cusp of non-existence.
i had to write something. now.
and then i fucking woke up.
i woke up in fucking pain from all the beer and red wine and Jagermeister i inhaled the night before (New Years Eve).
and that's the funny part.
usually when i drink i don't dream.
or i don't remember dreaming.
but this one's been lingering in my head for five days now.
that's why i think it's important.
it's somehow symbolic of everything going on around me, and i just have to figure out (spiritually speaking) what the hell i'm gonna write on that shirt.
maybe it symbolizes some great change in the world.
maybe there's something that i have to do.
but what?
maybe it symbolizes something else.
something huge.
maybe it symbolizes that i'm going to get laid a lot this year.
probably that one.