sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Saturday, January 29, 2005

hello, Jesus

today i asked myself a question that i'm sure many of you have asked yourselves at one time or another. "if Jesus appeared in my kitchen, right now, in the flesh, what would i do?" well, the first thing i'd do (after introducing myself, of course) would be to ask Him to help me do my dishes, as at the moment they are stacked rather high. and i'm pretty sure he'd say yes; he'd have to, he's Jesus. after that i'd offer Him a seat and ask a few questions. did it hurt? how's your old man? how long are you back for? is Jesus a Beatles man or a Stones man? how good is he at MarioKart? and then, after defeating Him in several races, i'd break out the big guns. look, Jesus! my bathtub is full of water! change. it. to. wine. and, of course, he'd comply and it would be delicious. i would then ask Him if he had the ability to change 'already-wine' into some kind of 'super-god-wine'. and he probably could. and i'd probably go and do something greedy like tie him up in my bathroom, shackle Him right to the toilet, and force him to change gallons and gallons of tap water into delicious, intoxicating god-wine that i could drink and store and share and sell, becoming very popular and wealthy. and i would enjoy living like this until i was a very old man. or until Jesus got sick of making wine and killed me with the Plague or something. he'd probably make it look like an accident.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

put this on your red carpet

here are the (more deserving, i think) nominees:

Best Actor in a starring role:
-Bill Murray for The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
-David Carradine for Kill Bill Vol. 2
-Gary Johnston for Team America: World Police

Best Actress in a starring role:
-Kate Winslet for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-my darling Uma
-that is all

Best Actor/Actress in a supporting role:
-i'm gonna have to give it to Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite
-Vote Pedro
-Paris Hilton for that sex video business (was that last year?)

Best Film that didn't actually come out in 2004:
-The Warriors

Best Actor in a Warriors role:

Best use of music in a film in 2004:
-the rythmic beating of a zombified old man (with pool cues) to a Queen song from the film Shaun of the Dead
-Steve goes all "crazy eyes" and starts shooting pirates against the backdrop of 'Search and Destroy' by the Stooges in The Life Aquatic
-Broadway production of 'Everyone Has AIDS' as performed by Gary Johnston in Team America: World Police

Best Film of 2004:
-The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
-Kill Bill Vol. 2
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Napoleon Dynamite

Worst Film of 2004:
-Alien vs Predator (this film stole something pure from deep inside me and is comparable to a steaming bucket of mule spray)

Worst Villain of 2004:
-that really cold air from The Day After Tomorrow (c'mon people)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

romantic Valentine's Day idea no.26

trust me, nothing says "i love you" like smoking some hash and watching Purple Rain. prepare to get much laid.

Monday, January 24, 2005

the awesome cleansing power of lethargy

the layer of grime clinging to the inside of the shower curtain has accumulated such a thickness that it is now starting to peel off in flaps; it's own weightiness pulling it down into the water where it swirls momentarily before retreating down the drain pipe.
the old saying is true.
if you leave a mess for long enough, say about a year and a half, it will eventually clean itself.
sleep will come easy tonight.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

say it vs. spray it

new research shows my "boot mug" holds exactly 473 ml of beer.
today's jaunt to my neighborhood Salvation Army proved to be a valuable one. i payed little to no attention to the soiled clothing racks; old picture books were the order of the day. and by old picture books i mean old cookbooks from the early seventies. within are some of the most gruesome photographs ever taken of food. if viewed by an "Atkins person" or random vegetarian, vomiting would surely ensue. in each of the five books EVERYTHING is slathered with pounds and pounds of greasy American cheddar. simply holding one of these books will give you high blood pressure.
one recipe, for Barbecued Chuck Roast, actually lists 'one tablespoon of MSG' as an ingredient.
ah, those were simpler times.
i digress. the important thing is that i also picked up a stack of old National Geographics from the late 70's, early 80's. i spent the rest of my afternoon carefully removing badly dressed people from their idyllic cities, countrysides and glaciers and situating them atop glistening Herbed Lamb Shanks.
laughing with friends amid a steaming plate of Sausage and Mostaccioli.
a squaredance on a freshly sliced Mushroom Pork Loin.
i will continue to do this for many weeks.
let's eat in tonight.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

2004 (tunewise)

the ten best albums of the past year.
as elected and recounted by me.
objections will be thoroughly ignored.

•Death From Above 1979 - you're a woman, i'm a machine
-a bowel-shattering bass'n'drum distorto-thon.

•MF Doom -
-metal-faced MC drops wack sci-fi/food-themed concept album.

•Sonic Youth - sonic nurse
-world's greatest art-punk jam band still gots it.

•Beastie Boys - to the 5 boroughs
-hip hop elder statesmen take shit waayy back.

•Mastodon - leviathan
-severe riffage. metal for whalers. prepare to be bludgeoned.

•PJ Harvey - uh huh her
-miss Polly Jean gets 'nails on the chalkboard' angry. step off.

•Ikara Colt - modern apprentice
-fractured, immediate, desperate. zang.

•The Porcelain Gods - emergency band meeting
-only three songs. 15 minutes of sweet sweet indie pop thunder.

•Tom Waits - real gone
-another glass of red hot thumbtacks, Mr. Waits?

•Pavement - crooked rain, crooked rain (extended re-issue)
-i know it came out in 1994. fuck off.

oh (cold) snap!

i am staying indoors.
it's cold enough to freeze the tits off an Ice Witch.
beer. coffee. paint fumes.
and to a lesser extent , rice.
these are my blankets and heaters.
i'm staying here until provisions run dry.
then i'm gonna cook me a frozen hobo.