sneakin' out the hospital

(ninja please)

Location: Montreal

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Sleigh Z

pop lockin'
boom boxin'
i'm rocking
your stocking

cuz i'm giftin' like this
and i'm giftin like that
and i'm parking on your roof
and i'm taking a shat

i'm comin' from the Pole
and i'm sneakin' in your place
and i'm pissin' on this coal
gonna put it on your face

if you got cookies, Ma
get bakin' em
if you got kiddies y'all
i'm takin' em

pop lockin'
boom boxin'
my cock in
your stocking

and when i leave don't you fight me
don't you punch, kick, slap or bite me
cuz Santa's got mace
just in case
gonna spray your face
then jump your wife

ooooohhhhhhhhhh ho ho!
white christmas bitch
joyeux noel

Friday, December 16, 2005

mange hands

last night i came into possession of the most haggard, disgusting, just-pulled-outta-the-trash looking pair of mittens in the Western hemisphere.
i pinched them from the lost and found drawer at my work, because i had accidentally left my regular mittens at home.
initially, i was pretty hesitant about even touching them, fearing i might catch mange or scabies or a nasty case of shingles, but i couldn't resist.
functionally, they follow the same template as a regulation mitten, but aesthetically speaking they're monstrous.
there must be forty different kinds of yarn in these puppies, and not one of these colors would be pleasing even on it's own.
they're the result of a bad orgasm at the haunted knitting factory.
and it looks like there's a few stray bits of upholstery sewn in for good measure (ie, some hideous curse).
the funny thing is, even though they look irreversibly soiled they're actually quite clean. they smell much better than my old mittens, which were store bought.
(yes, i smelled them before i tried them on. but i'm still not comfortable touching my face with them.)
i wish i could give you a better idea of what they look like.
picture this.
picture a disease riddled, bastard Muppet pulling an ancient sofa out of some festering bog and having sex with it. their offspring would be these mittens.
no, they wouldn't even be the offspring.
they'd be like the afterbirth.
also, they're pretty warm.

Friday, December 09, 2005

the unwritten rules: # 26

my stereo's volume control has a small digitized numeric indicator, which means each level of loudness has a corresponding number. when showing a Potential Lady Friend around my home, i will stroll up to my stereo and turn the volume control until the number eleven appears. i will then proclaim "these go to eleven," in a cockney British accent.
this will be the deciding factor of the evening.
if the Potential Lady Friend does not get the reference she will not be upgraded to Special Lady, no matter how attractive she is or how much she protests.
i'm sorry. this is a rule.
we will still sleep with each other.
but she will not be asked to stay.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

albums 2005

i think most of you will agree with me when i say that 2005 was an interesting year ("interesting" meaning "fucked up"). now i can't speak for everyone (except the mutes and maybe some of the deafs), but for me personally, these were the records that shaped 2005. not only providing a soundtrack, but carrying things along, inspiring us, and hopefully getting us into a bit of trouble along the way.
so here they are.
they are in no specific order.
(of course they are.)
they are not.
let's go.

• Broken Social Scene - broken social scene
this album is sprawling and gigantic, a million shiny hooks happily drowning beneath a tsunami of beautiful, churning noise. complicated and dense yet still utterly appealing, it's an absolute mess and it works perfectly.

• Burdocks - what we do is secret
with taut, charging rhythms, impossibly charming melodies and jerky, angular guitar work, these songs are scrappy, caffeinated and catchier than the avian flu. vote Burdocks.

• Stephen Malkmus - face the truth
Steve Malkmus is a weird guy, and it's never been more apparent than on this album. these songs are all over the map, ranging from synth-y dance experiments to extended guitar jams to twinkling balladry and folk-infused indie rock. yet it's still unmistakably Malkmus.
and unmistakably great.

• Sleater-Kinney - the woods
not only the biggest and loudest rock album of the year, but the biggest and loudest rock album IN years, Sleater-Kinney have cranked this puppy to 11 and sent everyone else packing.
here they are. rock you like a hurricane.

• Blood on the Wall - awesomer
awesomer than what? than most other albums this year. i'm not even sure why i find these sloppy little rock songs so endearing. probably because they make it sound so easy.

• Beck - guero
Mr. Hansen is back with another loot bag full of random pop-culturalisms and here-and-there musical inclinations, meshing it all together with his usual panache. he manages to sound very much like the Beck of yesteryear, but a little older, a little wiser; a twinge of maturity rearing it's head through the junkyard riffage and whiteboy funk. his best album? no. an f-ing great album? hell yes.

• Kiss Me Deadly - misty medley
jittery and nervous, but as inviting and seductive as a geisha made of silk. the sublimely dance-y rhythms and percolating beats keep things moving along nicely, and vocalist Emily Elizabeth's breathy sqeal makes it sound as if she's sitting in your lap, quickly running out of oxygen but having way too much fun making you blush and squirm.

• Lightning Bolt - hypermagic mountian
this record is an absolute menace. played loud it's the aural equivalent of rolling down a jagged mountian on fire and on drugs during an earthquake and loving every second. and when that really happens to you, you'll say the same thing you said the first time you heard this album. "this is fucking awesome."

• The Kills - no wow
not so much love songs as they are songs about the nuclear fallout that can accompany love when it all goes sour. stark, sexy and sometimes jarring, these songs absolutly seethe with paranoia and betrayal. but they still kinda wanna do you.

• DangerDoom - the mouse and the mask
what's this? a hip hop album that's actually fun? in the era of bling-blang and G-Unit faux-gangsta bullshit? who could have done this? only MF Doom. with a little help from Danger Mouse. (and a little more from Master Shake, Meatwad, the Mooninites, etc). Danger's bouncy old school beats are a perfect counterpart for Doom's brilliant/nonsense flow. i also enjoy all the Adult Swim samples, (because i'm a giant nerd). funny how an album with a dozen late night cartoon characters running all over it can turn out to be the least bullshit hip hop record of the year.

Honorable Mentions:
Dog Day - thank you EP
SS Cardiacs - fear the love
Ladytron - witching hour
Sharp Like Knives - no pressure
Nine Inch Nails - with teeth

Best Compilation:
Public Enemy - power to the people and the beats

Best Reissue:
Sonic Youth - goo : deluxe edition

Best Remix Album:
Beck - guerolito

Best Album That Didn't Actually Come Out In 2005:
Triumph - progressions of power