best ghosts!

Jacob Marley - this guy used to work for Ebenezer Scrooge but died one Christmas and came back as a ghost (also on Christmas!) to warn Scrooge about the perils of living a life of greed. it's a pretty famous story. also, i've heard the term "smoking a Marley" being bandied about in youth culture circles, so it probably has something to do with this guy.

Candyman - if you live in urban Chicago and say 'Candyman' five times while looking in a mirror, the Candyman will appear and kill you with his hook. i'm not sure why they call him Candyman; he just looks like a black dude wearing a fur trimmed pimp coat who carries a giant hook. i see no link to candy.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man - a tall-as-a-building logo man made of gigantic marshmallows; actually the final form taken by evil demigod Gozer to destroy the Ghostbusters and most of downtown 1980's New York. prompted Peter Venkman to exclaim: "Nobody steps on a church in my town!"

Blinky - Blinky was the red ghost from Pac-Man. he lived in a maze.

Jesus - Jesus was the main ghost in the hugely popular fiction opus 'The Bible'. he could turn water to wine, come back to life whenever he wanted, and was generally a pretty nice guy. apparently he'll be returning to Earth sometime in the near future. sequel anyone?

Bruce Willis - totally badass. totally a ghost. how can you make die hard that which cannot die?

Captain Awesome - this is the ghost that i see in the early hours of the morning, before the dawn when i'm barely alive. more of an inspirational hallucination than an actual ghost. he said if i didn't include him in this list he'd stop making all the bad people go away and make me "deal with shit on my own". kind of an asshole.

music quiz: which song title is best?

Crying All Over My Dick For You

Crying All Over My Dick (For You)

Crying (All Over My Dick For You)

Crying (All Over My Dick) For You

(Crying) All Over My Dick (For You)

Dick 4 U (Crying All Over My Remix)

Bohemian Crapsody

overheard at the apartment of the former members of Ugly Kid Joe

"alright; whose turn is it to buy Cheetos and dog food because we're so broke we can only afford to eat Cheetos dipped in dog food?"

"i dunno, man. but guess what i just realised?"

"what is it, bro?"

"now, in 2007, we totally ARE America's least wanted! for real though!"

"omg!! we totally called it! like 15 years ago!"

"i know! we're gonna be rich!"

(and they cheered an uproarius cheer, one that was heard all through their 8' by 6' living room. and cheering turned to high fives, and high fives turned to bro grabs, and bro grabs eventually turned into the cold, dull, bleak talons of Reality and they sobbed and whimpered as they decided to spend the last of their Cheetos and dog food money on sweet, tartar fighting, despair numbing, antibacterial mouthwash.)

[but seriuosly, they had a song in 'Wayne's World'. did you have a fucking song in 'Wayne's World'?]

more crappy TV shows that'll never exist!

Welcome Back, Potter
-- the story of an aging, magical man-child who returns to his former High School of Wizardry to become a teacher to a bunch of 1970's looking slacker wizards-in-training. can he help them pass finals? will the Spellhogs show up and ruin Mr. Potter's anniversary plans with his wife in an hilarious manner? will they all learn the true meaning of Lincoln's Birthday? find out this season.

Private Danza
-- the story of an ex-boxer/taxi driver/baseball player/housekeeper who has become a singing private detective. no one will ever watch this.

Who Want's To Marry A Dog?
-- eight dogs live in a swanky hotel on a secluded tropical island. one of them is a millionaire. it's up to one of fifteen cocaine-deluded supermodels to try and figure out which dog gots the riches and marry him. who will win a life of freaky canine luxury? and who will be rummaging for scraps in the meat dumpster behind an unlicenced Mexican butcher shop? tune in and see.

awesome name for a book about home toilet repair

Fifty Ways To Love Your Lever