a series of battle sketches scrawled on scrap paper i found while moving out

Mr. Dress-up Vs. The Sandworms from Dune
Galactus Vs. Grimace
Uncle Fester Vs. Uncle Fester
Sauron Vs. Ernest's Ghost
Spawn Vs. Short Circut
Krang Vs. Guillotine

i wrote a porno

Dude: "i have to go to a store."

Dude drives to a store.

Dude: "now i'm in a store. oh, hi."

Chick: "oh, hi. i work in the store."

Dude & Chick get it on* in various retardedly gymnastical positions for like twenty minutes. this is the part of the film where we discover Chick's propensity for profanity.

cut to scene of Dude driving away from store.

Dude: "oh no. i forgot my wallet at the store."

Chick: "i still work at the store. oh, hi."

repeat chorus.


* "get it on" is old school street slang for coitus**.
** "coitus" is book club slang for fucking.

new doctor show

"Operation: Operation"

nice try, God

there's nothing like starting your day with a tall, room temperature glass of Moth Juice. waking up, blindly reaching for the mug you know you left by the side of your bed the night before. bringing the rim to your lips, tilting back and glug glug glug glug until you're revived enough to open your eyes and see a recently deceased moth floating languidly just fractions of an inch away from your mouth.
iron, calcium, protein and cholera.
all a part of a complete breakfast.
side effects?
we'll find out at sundown when i burn my face off, overwhelmed with the intense desire to make out with a lightbulb.

you will remember tonight

there we stood, at the shoulder of the longest and sexiest highway in creation, surrounded by horizon, the sun rising and setting all around us simultaneously.
we embraced and impaled out hearts with my vorpal blade of light, letting our glory spill out all over each other as we grind and writhe and kiss and howl, louder than a thousand hungry wolves on the fastest rollercoaster in the world on their birthdays.
and every car that passes bursts into flames because this is the New Beginning of Time and it's so beautiful and we're so fucking beautiful that all the angels in heaven start masturbating and singing and smashing their harps and fucking so hard the earth rumbles like a Marshall stack and we become the past and the present and the future and the truth.
and as we ride on, atop a solid gold biomechanical unicorn named Captain Galaxy, they'll know we've won and they've won and that the difference between Never and Forever is a lot fucking bigger than you'd think but not as big or as bright as us, because we're made of lightning and we own the sky and we are the sky and when they see us they're gonna shit.

washing yourself with dish soap because you're out of soap soap

surprisingly effective.

best new computer simulation game

Sim Horton's.

"hello Cleveland. prepare to be assimilated."

(what if maybe the Borg from Star Trek were a actually a band and showed up at a battle of the bands rehearsal.)

B.o.t.b. Guy - ok, who's next?

[several Borg borgs walk onto the stage.]

Borg - we are the Borg.

B.o.t.b. Guy - uhhhh, ok. so your name is 'Borg'?

Borg - we are the Borg.

B.o.t.b Guy - yeah... ok.... so are you guys called 'Borg' or 'We Are The Borg'?

Borg - we are the Borg. prepare to be assimilated.

B.o.t.b. Guy - yeah, i'm just gonna put 'Borg'. so...... i don't see any instruments. are you guys a techno band or DJ's or something?

Borg - we are the Borg. we are the instrument. resistance is futile.

B.o.t.b. Guy - yeah. that's really cool. what are you guys gonna play tonight?

Borg - we will perform the audio music patterns of our track 'Assimilate', from our forthcoming album, 'Assimilate'.

B.o.t.b. Guy - ummm, you need two songs guys.

Borg - we are also suitably equipped to perform our impossibly superior cover version of human Earth band Deep Purple's 'Highway Star'*.

B.o.t.b. Guy - alright. awesome. i guess you guys are all set. the dressing room is just backstage there if you wanna chill out for a bit.

Borg - your life as it has been is over. from this time forward, you will service us.

B.o.t.b. Guy - dicks.


*(in the impossibly superior Borg version of 'Highway Star' the lyrics are slightly altered; replacing the word "car" with "cube". because that's how the Borg travel. in a giant Borg cube that drifts amongst the galaxies. usually in and around the Delta Quadrant. no; you're a pathetic nerd.)

new breakfast cereal alert!!

Intruder Pops!
"We don't care if you don't eat us; we're gonna get inside you anyway."