dear Old Guy

hi, Old Guy.
you don't know me, but i was on the same train as you today, (orange line, around five-something), and i saw when that dude slammed into you with his backpack and made you drop your McDonald's hamburger.
man, that must've sucked for you Old Guy.
i saw how much you dropped; it was close to a whole burger. you looked so sad, dude. you looked like that was the first McDonald's hamburger you've had in years. maybe it was your first McDonald's hamburger since your daughter married that deadbeat or since you got your new kidneys or since you found out your dart buddies were ganking your heart pills, and this asshole just slams you with his backpack and you drop it all over the floor of the train. and you can't just pick it up and eat it off the train floor, that's like eating poison. not like you care anyway, i mean, it's McDonald's right? it's pretty poisonous anyway. and what the hell is an old dude like you eating McDonald's for? Old Guy, you don't look so hot. not like your clothes or anything; your face. you look ill dude. lay off the McDonalds. (and lay off that hat while you're at it. do you think you're Robin Hood or some shit? stealing burgers from the rich and dropping them all over the floor of the train, like poor people are going to eat your stupid, half-eaten burger scraps off the floor like that? high and fucking mighty, you are.)
anyway Old Guy, i hope you get that mustard off your loafers.
get nuggets next time. seriously.
peace out;
Beard Guy with Headphones.

hints and advice for a smoother Moving Day

ok, first off, you should sleep late.
it's just much easier on your constitution.
secondly, you're going to need a lot of protein and irons for all the lifting and throwing shit in the garbage and profanity you're going to do all day.
the best possible thing to have for breakfast on Moving Day is the last five bastard fish sticks sitting at the back of your freezer.
the ones you bought like four months ago.
because A) they're good for you, and B) eating old garbage food is kind of like cleaning at the same time. you've just doubled your productivity!
nextly, throw everything in the garbage.
not your bed or your books, but almost everything else.
and by in the garbage i don't mean "in the garbage", i mean all over the sidewalk in front of your house. make some fun piles in case some neighborhood kids or some stray dogs want to play in your unloved rubbish. they're gonna miss you!
post nextly, cut and run.
just go.
smoke a joint or have a beer for sentiment's sake, but then get the fuck out of there.
don't clean, don't fix, don't care; they're never gonna find you.
wash your hands of it.
just break the wrist and walk away.
until, of course, all the landlords you've ever wronged, ripped off, left with hideous mountains of living filth, or just turned their dream home into a "flophouse" get on Facebook and start hunting you down for their "money" or their "priceless antique furniture" or their "good name and respectable reputation about town".
then, cut and run some more.
or stop wasting all your time on Facebook.
get outside; it's a beautiful day.
if you drink in the park with me, i'll help you move.