ninja sighting (part I)

dude! dude check out that ninja!

that's not a ninja.

dude! yes it is! look! ninja!

if that were an actual ninja he wouldn't be just standing there like that. we wouldn't be able to see him at all; he'd be stealthily lurking or something. and he definitely wouldn't be stuffing all that coleslaw in his face.

c'mon, dude. that's totally a ninja. he's just on break or something.

are you fucked? can you even hear what you're saying? ninjas don't "go on breaks". ninjas were a secret society of specially trained feudal Japanese assassins. that's just some guy.

no way man. he's totally a ninja.

where the fuck is his sword then?

i don't know. probably concealed or something?

concealed where?! in his fucking sandwich?

maybe. he IS a ninja.

weren't you wondering like a week ago why you couldn't get laid? this is why. because you're fucked. because you're fucked and because you act like brain damaged preschooler.

listen man, all i'm saying is HOLY SHIT! is your fucking arm sliced off?!!

wha? oh shit, it is!

look! that dude! he totally disappeared! his food's gone too!

holy fuck! he WAS a ninja!

i told you!! i fucking told you!!

shut up. grab your phone and get a picture of this ninja wound before i die from it.

ok. actually, give me your phone, yours has more megapixels.

fine. hurry up.

there. what do you think that ninja's going to do with your arm?

how the fuck should i know?

you're cranky today.

shut up.

an interview with Santa

Mike: Hello, Santa. Thanks for stopping by and making time for this interview. I know you're crazy busy this time of year, so let's get right down to it. You're no doubt aware of the shift in the general public's opinion of you over the past few decades, and how, in western culture especially, you've become sort of a figurehead of seasonal mass consumerism. Now, do you see this as a reflection of ever changing socio-economic trends, or more of a case of the populous becoming more "symbolically jaded" due to the ongoing dissolution of the traditional nuclear family?

Santa: . . . . .

Mike: Oh, that's right. You're not real. Drinkin' time!

things to consider when purchasing a new winter coat

* range of agility - not the coat's range of agility, but YOUR range of agility while wearing said coat. if your coat has it's own range of agility, well, that's fucked up sir. anyway, few good ways to test for range while still in the store include: reaching high above your head; running on the spot, furiously; a "squat to pounce-roll" maneuver; dislocating your shoulder and using a wall or door to smash it back into place a la Mel Gibson in the action/comedy classic Lethal Weapon. if a store clerk gives you any trouble while performing these tests look him/her in the eye and say "hey! do you wanna sell this fuckin' coat or not? huh?" if your town only has one coat store and you don't want to cause a scene, maybe just measure yourself before you go in or something. smartass.

* hood to headphone ratio - do you like rock music? through big ass headphones? of course you do. you're a sexy young mover and shaker. do you like having a warm head? the kind of warm that only the hood of a coat can bring? well mon amis, if you like both of these things you're going to have to make a compromise, because most coat hoods fit big headphones underneath them in a manner i can only describe as 'awkward at best'. sure, you could switch to earbud headphones, but make sure you keep them loud enough to drown out the sound of women and children everywhere mocking the fuck out of you. so there's your dilemma. what's it gonna be? frostbite may be cold, but Deep Purple's 'Made In Japan' is cooool as shit.

* mustard resistance - don't even laugh. i could get mustard all over myself eating an apple.

* beer stashage - even the most pedestrian, minimalistic coats have at least two pockets, usually located symmetrically on the lower front area, near the zipper, buttons, velcro, houndstooth, bison cartilage or whatever the hell method of coat fastening you're into. these standard two front pockets are not so great for drinks on the go. they're too shallow too horizontal and are right out in the open. ideally, your coat should have some 'secret pockets' sewn into the inner lining, making them accessible only to you, the Coat Operator. the inner pocket should be able to conceal a standard bottle or tall can. an additional outer pocket that can hold a standard sized can is always a plus. also, if you're in a fix, fill your sleeves (and try to remember not to high five any cops while your sleeves are filled). if your coat doesn't have any sleeves, you've just wasted your money on a vest. chump. see what happens when you go shopping without your mom?

15 totally embarrassing books to be caught leafing through in a bookstore when a friend or aquaintance suddenly appears:

The Klingon Thesaurus (Expanded Edition)
Crunkenstein
Official Kraft Dinner & Cut-Up Hot Dogs Cook Book
Harry Potter And The Haunted Birth Control
Oprah On Oprah, The Oprah Story: An Oprabiography
Crossing The Streams: Bedwetting, Gay Marriage & You
Days Of Thunder 2: Cole's Reckoning
The NEW Bible
Wuv In The Time Of Cholera
Dummies Books For Dummies (Abridged Edition)
Baby's First Golden Girls Picture Book
N-Word! The Musical: The Novelization
The Unicorn Puppies' Cute-ventures In Ice Cream Land
Lather, Rinse, Whatever: Shampoo Commercials & The Modern Woman
To Phil A Mockingbird