since we're already talking about Van Halen...

so i was listening to 'Hot For Teacher' during my walk home yesterday, and it hit me; (for the one-thousand, nine-hundredth & eighty-fourth time), what a killer fucking rock song.
the super-insano drum intro, Eddie's guitar at Face Melting levels by the thirty second mark, the classroom chatter, that other guitar part, the awesome video; it's fucking perfect.
then i was thinking, if 'Hot For Teacher' really were a "killer" rock song, what kind of killer would it be?
that's easy. crazy ninja assassin.
but then i realized "no. that is incorrect."
ninja assassins, even the crazy ones, require a certain subtlety, a finesse if you will, to silently and gracefully slay their opponent with honor and dignity.
Hot For Teacher is more like a 6'8" two headed Rambo, wearing a neon orange shag carpet tuxedo, with machine gun arms and cherry red Ferrari's for legs.
who is also on fire.
and yells 'WOOOOOOOOOOOYEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!' a lot.
yeah. more like that.

border crossing

guard - "do you have any identification son?"

me - "right here."

guard - "and what business do you have in the United States today?"

me - "i heard you guys have awesome burgers."

guard - "son.....is that an unlicenced handgun on your seat there?"

me - "wha? oh, this. haha. no, this is a fake gun."

guard - "a fake gun?"

me - "yeah, it's not real. i carved it out of hash."

plea to the original members of Van Halen

c'mon guys.
for me.
just like, five songs.
it's summer.
we need you guys.

trespassers will be:

shot

prosecuted to the full extent of the law

charlie horsed

assholes

haunted. forever.

fondled

delighted

added to "the list"

shaved

filled with childlike whimsy

single?

disappointed

filmed and later masturbated to

surprised when they meet SecuroBot

painted, dried, scraped and repainted

delicious

lesser known summer blockbusters

Twinjas! - a high kicking, gut busting summer comedy adventure! this is the story of conjoined twin brothers who are also ancient ninja assassins. follow them as they seamlessly blend in with their co-workers at a high stakes New York law firm, hot on the trail of the resurrected spirit of another ancient ninja assassin who wants to take over the financial district AND resurrect more ancient evil ninja assassins! can they find and defeat their enemy? will they fall in love with the same girl and have awkward, not-quite-a-three-way twinja sex? will they decapitate everyone on the sixth floor? twice? there's only one way to find out. Twinjas. three arms, two swords, one mission. funnier than a nunchuck to the face.

Lucia Sexytime: Surf Cop - Wetmound Beach. once a thriving tourist community, now a coastal slum, overrun by gangsters, junkies and ancient ninja assassins. that is until Special Agent Lucia Sexytime gets assigned to take out the beach trash. armed with an M16A2 assault rifle and her trusty surfboard, Pink Splash, Agent Sexytime glides up and down the hot, wet shoreline serving up juicy mouthfuls of beach justice. men love her. women want to be her. criminals fear her but also kind of want to have sex with her. so evil-doers beware: if you bring your crime to the sea, prepare to get blown. right out of the water. rated PG13.

The Fort Polio Portfolio - this one's a thriller or something. bring someone to make out with.

70 years of Bill

in honor of Bill Cosby's seventieth birthday (which was yesterday, i was busy) i've compiled a modest list of his ten greatest accomplishments. let's all bask in the warm, hilarious glory that is The Cos.
disclaimer: 'Ghost Dad' will not appear on this list.

- The Cosby Show. you simply cannot fuck with The Cosby Show. the first few seasons anyway.

- Picture Pages episode "Animals". you. will. laugh. and no one will learn anything. which is awesome, because this is purportedly an "educational kid's show". enjoy this one with some drugs; Bill did.

- Leonard Part 6. a movie where Bill tries to stop an evil vegetarian from controlling the world. i hear he accomplishes this using some kind of Magic Meat. please please please someone help me find this movie.

- Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. you love this.

- Silver Throat: Bill Cosby Sings. actually contains a song called 'Don'cha Know'. also, in the running for Best Album Cover Ever.

- Phylicia Rashad. goddamn.

- Picture Pages episode "Shapes and Colors". holy wow, he's done it again.

- becoming the first black actor to have a starring role in a dramatic television series with I Spy. helped pave the way for a crappy Owen Wilson/Eddie Murphy movie.

- when Theo wanted that designer shirt to impress that girl at school but it was too expensive, and Bill, sorry "Cliff", refused to give him the cash to purchase it. then Cliff made a copy of the shirt for Theo, but it didn't fit properly and Theo was hilariously flustered. no, wait. Denise made the shirt. Nevermind.

- his years spent toiling in the underground Omega Sector of the Jell-O laboratories, developing a new gelatin sensation codenamed "Jell-O Jigglers". which is just regular Jell-O. in different shapes. good on ya Bill.

assembly

"so i think i'm going to build a new easel this weekend."

"out of what? out of bones?"

"uhhhhh..nope. probably just gonna make it out of wood."

"ah, wood. the coward's bones."

crappy horoscopes

Aries - Not a great day for bagels.

Taurus - All of your favorite shows will be cancelled.

Gemini - Run.

Cancer - Bring a sponge.

Leo - They're lying to you.

Virgo - Rash time!

Libra - Because it's haunted.

Scorpio - She's faking it.

Sagittarius - Your fern will take a step closer to death because you never water it and it's all the way up on that shelf and can't get any light.

Capricorn - It's a trap.

Aquarius - You are reading your horoscope.

Pisces - Preggers.

shorn on the 4th of July

so the other morning, after doing my typically corpse-like trot down the hall to the bathroom, i realized my moustache (that's Mr. Moustache* to you) needed a slight trimming.
so i leaned in with my electric clippers, still bleary eyed from sleep/hunger/seventeen straight days of drinking, to perform a simple, routine trimming procedure that i like to call the Glide Trim.
i don't feel like delving into the logistical dynamics of the Glide Trim right now, but let's just say i mowed a little too deep and completely buzzed most of the left portion of the 'stache.
ouch.
non-fixable.
a write off.
i had only two options.
one: rock a Hitler.
two: shave it off completely.
and since i wasn't really feeling the Most Evil Moustache In History look, i nudified my upper lip.
which is all for the best i guess, being a hairless freak for once.
but in retrospect, i should have kept the MEMIH for at least the train ride to work, so i could just smile in peoples faces, aloof as they gasped and glared and made fists. until of course someone actually slams me and tears my headphones off.
"why are you wearing a Hitler moustache!! you vile prick!!"
"lady...who the fuck is Hitler?"
"oh you..."

* 'Bleach' reference! nice!