blockbuster theories: films i'd like to see

-There's Something About Castro
-Zombie President!
-Legally Blonde 3: Red, White and AIDS
-Howard the Duck vs. Short Circut
-Mike and Lando's Excellent Adventure
-Back to the Future 4: Vietnam
-Gay Robocop
-Breakfast at Axl's
-The Laser Babies of Volcano Island
-A Clockwork Oranger
-My Best Friend's Cannibal Wedding
-Citizen Sinbad
-Three Men and a Flying Werewolf
-Muppet Apocalypse Now
-Harry Potter and the Secrets of Menopause
-Ernest Rots in Purgatory
-Mike and Lando 2: Return to the Dagobah System
-Flying Werewolf Gump

is this emo?

i'm all emotional and suff.
nothing is cool.
i have two pets; a cat named Frozen Sadness and a goldfish named My Final Breath.
i don't believe in 'favorites', but i prefer the colors grey and off-black.
the only thing emptier than my Hotmail Inbox is my heart.
no one understands me.
is my haircut ironic enough?
thinking about that sad looking girl who works at Starbucks makes me nervous. does she see me? will she know my pain?
i chewed my fingertips to stop from crying last night.
now i have a hangnail. oh god there's blood! i'm vegan!
cut my heart out with your indifference.
holla.

rhinestone life

i got a beard that would disappear if i dressed in leather.
and everybody knows my name at the recreation centre.

pop quiz

1. When unable to sleep, a good remedy is:
a) warm milk
b) read for a while
c) count imaginary sheep
d) whiskey

2. I feel a head cold coming on; I should:
a) call my doctor
b) take some vitamins
c) get a good nights sleep
d) whiskey

3. The Grand Canyon resides in which state:
a) North Dakota
b) Colorado
c) Alaska
d) whiskey

4. Ohhh, baby baby, I got a fire in my belly, an' the only thing gonna cure it is:
a) penicillin
b) Mexican whores
c) a prayer circle
d) whiskey

5. Tomorrow I am supposed to arrive at work at approximately:
a) 8:00 am
b) 11:00 am
c) 1:00 pm
d) whiskey

6. You've been arrested on four counts of mischief, two counts of public nudity and one count of gratifying yourself in a public place. How do you plead?:
a) innocent
b) guilty
c) insanity
d) whiskey

For the correct responses smell my fucking breath.

hobbies include...

•sleeping in
•resisting arrest
•writing weekly letters to those two little Russian tarts that kissed in their music video. i send them my floss sometimes.
•playing Tetris and other games in the Tetris Family (Tetris Attacks, Tetris 3D and Tetris 2)
•taping television documentaries about those people who chase tornados.
•hand-sticthing little leather booties for stray cays and then luring stray cats into my apartment with a tasty piece of trout and fastening the booties to their precious little paws with staples and duct tape so they don't ever fall off because winter is coming.
•memorizing all the lines of the characters Dan Feilding and Bull from the first two seasons of the television series Night Court.
•drawing funny faces on my bag with washable marker and then naming the funny faces.
•i make a delicious cranberry/ham soup. (i call it Ham 'n Cran)
•sitting on the roof of the video store with binoculars and my graph paper, taking stock of things i see in the parking lot. (red cars, discarded shopping carts, people in hats, single moms {sometimes i have little conversations with the single moms as they walk to their cars, but they can't usually hear me because i'm way up on the roof and it's a little windy up there sometimes})
•Chinese Checkers

new drink alert!!

it's called a NineBall.
it's only available at Stage Nine.
(unless, you know, you make it at home.)
it's one part Jagermeister and one part Fireball whiskey.
it's three bucks a pop.
it's so good i woke up in a shrub by the library.

remember the (gluesniffing) titans

Ramones guitarist and founding member Johnny Ramone has passed away. It was prostate cancer. He was 55. If it were not for Johnny's highly influential guitar work, most of the bands you like today would suck even more.
The man was a legend.
Recognize.

i'm a delicate flower, bitch

i'm all emotional and shit.
take me home and love me.
you derserve it.

F.A.R.T.

•Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
•Fathers Against Reality Television
•Fathers Against Regurgitated Tequila
•Fathers Against Rectal Thermometers
•Fathers Against Rocket Trucks
•Fathers Against Renting Thelmaandlouise
•Fathers Against Reading Transcripts
•Fathers Against Relativity Theories
•Fathers Against Reverse Time-travel
•Fathers Against Raspberry Tarts
•Fathers Against Renaissance Theologians
•Fathers Against Rewinding Tapes
•Fathers Against Reflex Tests
•Fathers Against Red Thongs
•Fathers Against Regenerative Technology
•Fathers Against Run Tothehills
•Fathers Against Realizing Things
•Fathers Against Ring Toss
•Fathers Against Rawandan Tribes
•Fathers Against Randy Travis
•Fathers Against Relieving Tension
•Fathers Against Rational Thought
•Fathers Against Roman Togas
•Fathers Against Radial Tires
•Fathers Against Recognizing Trouble
•Fathers Against Rum Tasters
•Fathers Against Republican Taxpayers
•Fathers Against Recurring Themes
•Fathers Against Relentless Torture
•Fathers Against Radio Telescopes
•Fathers Against Rex, Tyrannosaurus
•Fathers Against Rap Trax (you remember)
•Fathers Against Rowing Teams
•Fathers Against Records Thathavescratchesonthem
•Fathers Against Royal Traditions
•Fathers Against Rising Tides
•Fathers Against Romancing Transexuals
•Fathers Against Remembering Twistedsister
•Fathers Against Rudy Thekidfromthecosbyshow
•Fathers Against Runningou Tofideas

bad pick-up line number twenty-six

"Nice tits, ugly."

deep thoughts

by Jack Handey

'What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.'

'If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.'

'When i think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.'

lbs.

when i got out of the shower this morning (afternoon) i decided to weigh myself.
it's been a very long time since i've weighed myself.
so i hopped on the scale.
and you know what it said?
it said, "i can see your balls."

portrait of a sketchbag

age: 50-ish
real name: unknown
code name: Captain Campfire

appeared at my cash register three times in one hour the other day. he had long, dirty, grey hair and a long, dirty, grey beard. he smelled as if he woke up not next to, but IN a campfire. his face and hands were specked with dark soot. half of his moustache was burned down to stubble. he had many large holes in his beard that also appeared to be caused by fire. each one of his fingertips was burned down to a pitch-black crust; he had much trouble holding his change. he wasn't unfriendly, but he did not speak. he purchased two kinds of potato chips, a litre of coffee cream and three pounds of butter.

say Hello to my mangled corpse: 10 fun and interesting ways to die*

*(only if it was absolutely imperative that i must die and i were given a choice of how it would all go down.)

1. skydiving into an active volcano
2. ingesting five thousand hits of LSD
3. neck snapped from behind by Steven Segal
4. drowning in a vat of delicious gravy
5. crushed and smothered by a pile of 200 or more beautiful, naked women
6. hurled into a giant propellor (messy!)
7. tied to high powered rocket, launched into Sun
8. me versus the elusive Giant Squid of the North Atlantic
9. hot sauce lobotomy! (performed by monkeys)
10. smallpox

runner up: lasers lasers lasers

delusions of Sanders

i'm the man with the tie.
i'm the lord of the chickens.
i'm the big crunch.
i want your legs.
i want your wings. (hot or otherwise.)
i want breasts and nuggets and popcorn whatevers.
get in the bucket.
be gravy.

one-word movie reviews

The Passion of the Christ:
"Torture-ific!!"

drunken palmistry

previously this week at a local watering hole i found myself sitting at a table with two young women. one claimed to be an actress, the other a certified palm-reader. "read away," said i. she examined my hands with much scrutiny, holding them close to her face, explaining my 'lines', tracing them with her fingertips. she told me much about my life that she could not have known, and all from just studying my palms. one thing she did not tell me was how often i masturbate.
i think she knew.
the woman studies palms for christ's sake. she knew.
i could see it in her smile.

wake 'n shake

last night i had the (second) most unsettling dream of my sleepy little carbonated life. i'll skip the boring details for you and get right to the part where the strange violent man started scraping all of his skin off with a rusty paint scraper. he was standing on glass in about two inches of water, so when each large ribbon of torn skin landed and started to slowly drift away i could see it in perfect clarity. the dream ended when he stood up, apparently finished. if i had to guess, i'd say he had removed four fifths of his skin. he did not scream.