haiku, for you

on my patio
a stinking pile of garbage
rotting in the sun

and i contemplate
where has Weird Al been hiding?
...tears won't bring him back

your mother and i
went to the fair without you
hope you like tattoos

that part in Wayne's World?
in the control room, after Benjamin bought the show, and Garth says that haiku?
that's not really a haiku

the morning after
half-full beer on the counter?
there is no excuse

you owe me forty bucks

hey.
remember *NSYNC?
sure you do.
well, it was revealed today that former *NSYNC'er Lance Bass (the little blonde weiner guy who danced next to the fat guy) is gay.
he came out of the closet in an interview running in the newest issue of America's bestselling all-gay publication, People magazine.
news of his confession have sparked silent vigils in front of little girls' bedroom walls across the country, (or maybe it would have....like six years ago).

shocking new update!!
at a suprise press conference just hours ago, actor Bill Cosby revealed, after much speculation, that he is some sort of "black comedian".
more on this as the story unfolds.
back to you Diane.

glass knuckles

i've gotten pretty damn sick of telling the same "i was drunk and jumped over a hedge" story 200 times a day to explain this festering, heavily graffiti'd cast on my arm.
so when it's just a random stranger, or maybe a customer at work, i tell them something totally ridiculous.
and they usually believe me.
it's not lying exactly.
it's mischeif.
misleading fictional factualities if you will.
but i'd never lie to you.
you're very dear to me, you know that.
and what a sweet ass.
here's some of the alternate explainations i offer those who don't know any better.

- i broke it during a charity bike-a-thon, the chraity in question was Puppies for Inspired Orphans with Heartbreakingly Sad Diseases.

- i was defending someone's honor.

- breakdancing accident (in Harlem!)

- a motorcycle ran over it.

- i broke it while jousting (for someone's honor)

- spontaneous human combustion.

- let's just say i owe a lot of money to a lot of dangerous people.

- it's from a gangrenous stigmata wound, and i'm feeling much better.

- i fought the law, the law won.

- i take my lovemaking very seriously.

- there was this guy in the park and he was kicking these homeless puppies and screaming "i hate these puppies" so i punched him and broke my wrist but it was worth it just to see all those puppies smile again.

- i was struck with a very small meteor that was going incredibly fast.

- i was trampled during that 'Running of the Bulls' thing in Mexico. is it Spain? yeah, it was in Spain.

- it doesn't matter how it happened. what matters is i love you.

- a severe after effect from a mid-shunt muscle spasm.

- i fell off the monkey bars. i was drunk and unsupervised.

- why don't you ask your mom how it happened.

good medicine

i have discovered a cure for the hiccups.
that's right. a cure.
a 100% guaranteed fresh everytime cure.
i discovered it accidentally while whipping up a batch of my semi-famous Pork-n-Pepper Hot Sauce Stir Fry (with Hummus!).
cooking for myself has been tricky lately because i'm only able to use one hand, which is why the bottle slipped and dumped and unholy amount of hot sauce into the wok. i knew this would make my meal painfully spicy but hey, eats is eats.
i don't know why, but when i ingest something that is profoundly spicy (like Thai food) i get violent hiccups almost instantly.
and i hate the fucking hiccups.
especially when i'm trying to eat.
or drink.
or makeout on the livingroom floor.
i needed a cure, and we all know that this "drink a glass of water upside down" and "hold your breath for three minutes" business is bullshit.
i do know however that taking your mind of the hiccups will usually cease them, but this is easier said than done when you're hiccuping every two seconds.
then a greasy little lightbulb went off over my head.
here's what you do:

1 - go sit in a quiet room by yourself, preferably in front of a computer that's preferably hooked up to the Internet.

2 - get comfortable, maybe take off some of your clothes.

3 - using the computer's mouse, point and click until you find some pornography that appeals to you.

4 - masturbate. reach for the stars. go for the gold.

i can promise you, by the time you're done doing that thing you do so well, your hiccups will be ancient history.
it's so simple.
feels good and it's good for ya.
fun and easy! with minimal clan-up! (i don't even know you so i cannot fully guarantee that your personal clean-up will be 'minimal'.)
you might want to practice this a few times beforehand, because you never know when the hiccups are going to strike.
you can thank me later.

note:: this also works with manual, magazine type pornography, if you happen to be a connoisseur of such things.

[Surgeon's Warning: this treatment may not be suitable for use at fancy dinner parties or company picnics where everyone brings their families. if you have been handling Jalapeno peppers prior to using the treatment, make sure to wash hands throughly. this treatment may become highly addictive.]

a veritable feast of delicious baby names

that's right.
i'm making a list of possible baby names.
for no reason; i'm not expecting or anything.
don't judge me.
[also, quick note to my future wife, some (or more accurately 'most') of these names are non-negotiable...so just pick one and deal with it.]

lil' dude names:
-Jasper D. Gillis
-Artimus Prime Gillis
-Daniel Halen Gillis
-Night Train
-Kingsley Zissou Gillis
-Galactus

lil' chick names:
-Reena Marie Gillis
-Zoey Ramone Gillis
-Novacane Sophia-Iris Magdelene Gillis
-Scarlett Johanssen Gillis (named after her mother)
-Daughter 1.0

also: i think it would be interesting to name any child, male or female, Dead By Five Gillis.
picture it...
"hey, Gillis, cool name. how old are you?"
"why i'm twenty-two years old."
"wow! you're doing awesome! congratulations dude/babe!"
how encouraging!
and this will only get better as he/she ages.
retirement will be a hoot.
of course, if i did name a child this, and the child did perish somehow before it's fifth birthday....wow....holy embarrassing.
my (common law) wife would fucking kill me.

correlation of the seemingly unrelated

while listening to Dinosaur Jr this morning i somehow came to the realization that my going through puberty plotted an almost exact trajectory with the popularity of Grunge music.
for example: at the very beginning of the 90's, puberty/grunge seemed to come out of nowhere. and then, suddenly, it was everywhere.
ever present.
those first few shakey years of the decade absolutely reeked of puberty/grunge.
everything was new and exciting.
it was an age of exploration; anything was possible.
long hair was sprouting up everywhere. everywhere.
and for a while it seemed like puberty/grunge would take over the entire world and maybe change it forever.
but then, by mid-decade, things had cooled off considerably.
puberty/grunge wasn't new or exciting anymore.
things became gratuitous.
puberty/grunge's once edgey edge had been dulled by drug use and mountainous sarcasm; things began to feel forced, awkward.
people began sporting "Puberty/Grunge Is Dead" t-shirts.
and maybe it was.
maybe it was time to give those young nubile teen starlets a fair shake.
those were heady times alright.
i'll never forget them.
and things will probably never be like that again.
thank god.

[update!: dude...my armpit hair is starting to get really thick!]
[update2!: what the fuck do you mean Soundgarden broke up?]

it's all gonna break

well it finally happened.
that golden horseshoe that Lady Luck inserted in my ass all those years ago has finally lost it's powers.
i am now suceptible to serious physical damage.
and i learned this the hard way.
by flying sideways through the air in a parking lot behind the dirtiest bar in Sydney and landing on my wrist.
and then having John Michael land on top of me.
and John is not a petite fellow by any means.
needless to say, some of the key, movement creating elements inside my wrist were badly snapped, and i now get to wear a cast for a month.
for the entire month of July to be precise.
so no swimming or case diving or tree climbing or ultimate frisbee.
also, no video games.
my left opposable thumb is no longer opposable.
it's just...there.
and trying to operate a controller with one hand and a plaster stump?
rather vexing.
and sad.
very very sad.
but it's not all bad.
i can still give high fives.
i can read books and use computers and brush my teeth.
i can even manipulate my genitalia for pleasure if needs be.
and the percentage of Sympathy Hugs i've recieved from the female population has almost quadrupled compared to last months stats.
yup, things could be a lot worse for this ignorant cripple.
so if you see me around this month, stop and say hi.
give me a hug.
maybe open my beer for me.
and feel free to sign my cast, where senseless profanity is not only welcome, it's encouraged.
(i'd like to take a moment to thank Chris for entertaining me while i waited for a cab to the hospital by vomiting out of his upstairs window and onto his front stoop. good show.)